


A Bouquet of Lilies and Carnations

by Riyusama



Series: Lilies & Carnations [3]
Category: Buzzfeed: Worth It (Web Series), Watcher Entertainment RPF
Genre: Alternate happy ending, Blood, Dead Dove: Do Not Eat, F/M, First Time, Hanahaki AU, Hanahaki Disease, Heavy Angst, Heavy Drama, Homophobic Themes, Imagine this as a visual novel only fanfic version, Internalized Homophobia, Loss of Virginity, M/M, Tender Sex, Violence, Vomiting, and you get that happy ending you like, but you have to suffer immensely first, insane amount of vomiting lmao, wherein you finally chose all the correct choices
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-31
Updated: 2020-09-19
Packaged: 2021-03-06 17:49:03
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 34,071
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26212942
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Riyusama/pseuds/Riyusama
Summary: They were friends. That was all there was to it, Andrew and Steven were friends. It did not matter that Andrew wanted to spend every waking moment with his best friend, did not mind that every time he did spend with said friend he would end up in pain and ache.And Steven loved Andrew. It was that just that, plain and simple. Andrew was his best friend and he would do anything, give the world for his best friend. But that was all there was to it. Best friends. Nothing more, nothing less... But maybe deep down Steven never thought of them that way and had only fooled himself into believing that they could never be more.And what if Andrew finally picks up on it and realizes himself, that maybe... Justmaybehe and Steven were meant to be more than friends.--------------ALTERNATE HAPPY ENDINGofLilies in my HeartandCarnations for my Love. This a STAND ALONE fic. You do not need to read the other tragic two to understand this one.
Relationships: Andrew Ilnyckyj/Steven Lim
Series: Lilies & Carnations [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1863001
Comments: 6
Kudos: 23





	1. And all the flowers in the world wither in comparison to you

**Author's Note:**

  * For [W33n73_idk](https://archiveofourown.org/users/W33n73_idk/gifts).



> Dedicated to [W33n73_idk](https://archiveofourown.org/users/W33n73_idk/pseuds/W33n73_idk). I never really planned to write this fanfic before, since I was already happy with giving it that sad tragic ending. But, W33n73_idk commented and we started talking and I was really happy with how they liked it so much. I'm also surprised because this is the first time I ever reread and beta a fanfic cuz I wrote it for someone lol
> 
> I didn't think anybody would like this that much, this was just a self-indulgent fic lmao
> 
> But anyways, two days ago I told them what could have happened and how they could have had their happy ending and well... Apparently, I made them cry again when I said that lmao Actually, two other people also told me they cried when they read the other two so yeah, this is like me making amends for making you guys sad sorry ;w; <3
> 
> So yeah, when I got W33n73_idk comment two days ago, their words really motivated me to write this third installment and now here it is. I hope you guys enjoy it!
> 
> I really enjoyed writing this as well because I suffered a lot OwO
> 
> Oh also! As I was writing this, I listened to this song for the entire two days till I got sick of it lmao you guys might like it, idk~ It's in Tagalog tho so pls be warned [Demonyo by Juan Karlos](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iEYR6efkWdE)
> 
> And for the final piece, I wrote the ending listening to this [Tsuiraku (対落) by Centimillimental](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8gDZgh1k6-w). This one's in Japanese, but there's an eng trans so yeah
> 
> Hope you guys like these and the fanfic!

_‘ As of the year 2019, the Hanahaki disease has been a well-sought out and studied illness. For years, medical practitioners have been working on a cure for it. Like Cancer, the Hanahaki disease sometimes has no known cause except for the root cause of it being the patient’s psychological well-being. Psychologists have worked hand-in-hand with doctors to further better discover the earliest symptoms of the disease as most people who have them will only realize the illness once it is already in the later stages._

_Many people do not realize that they have fallen in love with someone. Others had succumbed to the disease without ever knowing or pinpointing exactly who the person of their affection is that caused them, unrequited love. Flora experts and botanists have also lent a hand in the research for a cure, making sure that every flower from each patient will be examined so that the root cause or person of unrequited love of the patient may be found sooner.’_

The first time that Andrew found out about Steven’s faith was when they were scheduling an episode for Worth it. Steven wasn’t in the room as he was busy producing and helping out in a different show at Buzzfeed. He and Adam were the ones who were in charge of schedules and minor research at the moment. 

“Okay, so we have a couple of meat lovers galore episodes here,” Andrew said, sounding excited. “Do we have a schedule already?” He inquired as he shifted his gaze to Adam.

“Not yet, but Steven did give his schedule to us already,” Adam replied back as he checked the pile of folders in his desk. “He told us that we can schedule on any of these months, he said they’re flexible too.” He looked through a couple of papers before finding the one he was looking for and gave it to Andrew.

Andrew leaned forward and took the piece of paper from Adam. “Thanks,” He said and checked the schedule. “We should shoot as soon as February starts so we can finish early.” 

“We can’t,” Adam quickly replied and Andrew looked up to him in question.

“Why not?” The blond’s attention was averted back to Adam.

“Steven said he’s abstaining from February to March, it’s some faith thing I think,” Adam explained as he stood up from his seat and pointed at the schedule in Andrew’s hands. “See there? Steven already got permission from HR itself, so they’re willing to shift our schedule further from the deadline.”

Andrew checked the piece of paper again and saw that Adam was right, from the whole month of February to March, Steven was not allowed to eat any sort of meat. “Huh,” Andrew let out a sound of mild surprise. “What’s his religion again? I didn’t know about this.”

“He’s Catholic from what I remember, there’s this whole Lenten season yada yada that he explained to me last time,” Adam said as he went back to editing on his desk.

As soon as Andrew was supposed to ask more about this Lenten season Adam was talking about, the door to the office opened loudly with Steven announcing his entrance to basically everyone in the place. 

_‘Perfect timing,’_ Andrew thought _‘Just the guy I wanted to talk to.’_

“Hey Andrew, hey Adam.” Steven greeted the two of them with a smile that Andrew could easily swoon over, but he won’t be because he has a very important thing to ask Steven today.

“Hey, so I have a question,” Andrew started to which he immediately got Steven full attention, his dark brown eyes just looking at Andrew and seriously, can Steven just not look like such a beautiful ethereal being for one second so Andrew can keep a coherent thought for their conversation.

“Yeah?” Steven voiced with a smile.

Andrew had to clear his throat first, directing his eyes back down to the schedule in his hands. “Your schedule, this February to March. We can’t shoot any Worth it episodes there right?” He confirms.

“Oh, celebrating Lent too Steven?” Annie suddenly chirped up from behind them. She had a USB in her hand that she gave to Adam to which the cameraman accepted graciously with a thanks. She turned her attention back to Steven and Andrew before continuing “The whole month or just Wednesdays and Fridays?”

“The whole month baby,” Steven replied back. “And oh yeah, Andrew it’s a season in the Catholic religion. We fast from February to March, basically just no eating of any kind of meat and abstaining from a lot of worldly pleasures.” The silveret explains with a nod of his head before he turns to Annie. “I didn’t know you celebrated Lent too Annie.”

“Oh, no I don’t,” Annie quickly held her hands up and waved them in gesture. “I have relatives who are Catholic from my Filipino side of the family. I’m not Catholic, but I know enough about the celebrations and all.”

“Doesn’t sound like a celebration though if you’re not allowed to do any kind of worldly pleasures.” Andrew sufficed, not in a judging voice but curious instead.

“Well,” Steven’s features scrunched up a little as he tried to think of how to explain his faith to Andrew. “It really _isn’t_ a celebration, but more of going through some aspects of suffering that would help you empathize with Christ’s experience in the bible.” He explains.

“I remember that February and March are like the days where Jesus was captured, betrayed, and crucified right?” Annie asked Steven.

“Yeah exactly, so in a way we’re also like mourning,” Steven affirms.

“Okay, so we’ll have to move shooting to April instead, right?” Andrew said with a nod of understanding to Steven’s faith. “You’ll be finished abstaining by that time right?”

“Yup!” Steven says as he comes close to Andrew basically just rests a hand on his shoulder to pull his close. “Thanks, Andrew.”

Andrew feels butterflies flutter in his stomach, but tries hard to ignore it. “Ask Adam if he’s alright with shooting in April.” 

“I’m okay with it,” Adam retorts back as he takes off his headset for a moment. “We’ll have to start contacting the restaurants for the shoot.”

“I love you guys, come here and let me give you a hug too Adam!” Steven says as he pulls Andrew closer to him that the blond’s face was on Steven’s chest.

“No.” Adam quipped and immediately averted his attention back to work.

“Also go back to work,” Andrew said as he reluctantly and against his will pulled away from Steven. He wished he could bask in Steven’s arms longer, but it would be too awkward and it would just hurt in the long run.

Steven laughs and Andrew just feels too transfixed in that hearty voice full of joy.

“Fine, fine. I’ll leave you, boys, to your work.”

\--------------------------

  
  


“Oh, lilies!” Steven exclaims out as they were walking in one of the streets of Los Angeles. They had just finished a shoot and decided to walk their way to a restaurant they like. The last one was their most expensive locations and quite frankly, having to share one small meal is definitely not enough to give you a full stomach.

The three of them stopped on their heels for a moment as Adam and Andrew waited for Steven to peruse around the flower shop they passed by.

“You like lilies?” Andrew asked as he watched Steven excitedly look over the flower. He couldn’t help but smile at the scene, he didn’t take the other to be a flower lover.

“Kinda? They’re pretty looking ones. Maybe I should get my girlfriend some.” Steven mulls over it as he walks over to the duo as he finishes looking at the displays.

The smile on Andrew’s lips disappears at the mention of Steven’s girlfriend and he feels an ache in his chest. He ignores it though in favor of just shrugging the feeling off. “Does she like lilies?” He asks even if it makes his heart hurt more.

“Hm? Oh, I don’t know.” Steven replies back with a hum. “I just think it’s a bit like our love, pure.” He beams and there’s a bittersweet way Steven makes Andrew feel that it makes his throat feel dry that the blond has to cough.

Andrew moves away, surprised by the sudden cough.

“Are you alright?” Steven worries over him, placing a comforting hand on Andrew’s back as he rubs it. 

“Ye-yeah,” His voice sounded hoarse as Andrew felt a shiver run down his spine. “Must be the cold.” He reasons out as he adjusts his jacket to cover him properly.

“You should take better care of yourself,” Steven says as he pulls away and it makes Andrew feel worse. “Let’s hurry up and get some hot soup in your stomach!” Steven announces as he pulls both Andrew and Adam together to race off to their favorite restaurant.

\-----------------------------

His girlfriend is crying and Andrew doesn’t understand where it all went wrong. He tries to console her and tries to fix it, but it all ends to no avail. She’s become unhappy with him and in return, Andrew has been feeling quite distant with her recently. Their feelings for each other just weren’t the same as before anymore.

“It just feels like we’re different people now,” She tells him.

Andrew sighs, but he has to agree. “I’m sorry, it’s my fault.” He says because somehow, it does feel like it is his fault even when Andrew doesn’t know where it went wrong.

“No, no. Don’t do that.” She tells him with a shake of her head. “Don’t make this a blame game.” She stands up and goes to the drawer full of her clothes. “I think we need some time off. To cool off our heads.”

Andrew watches her and doesn’t even try to stop her from packing her clothes. He stays put in his place, sitting at the end of his bed. “If you want to break up, please just tell me.”

She stops, stays still for a moment before she looks at him with her tear-stained cheeks. She looks so tired and done. She shakes her head and then smiles so bitterly, it was as though she had just been freed from what Andrew had said. “Thank you.”

She packs her things, says good-bye, and leaves without looking back.

It somehow doesn’t hurt as bad as he thought it would.

\----------------------------

“Andrew, are you sure you’re alright?” Steven asked him over a glass of whiskey. It was a Friday night so everyone was invited over to drink at the local bar close to their office. Steven wasn’t much of a drinker and was a notorious light-weight judging from all their previous episodes with drinks. Yet, he often tags along in drinking sessions with his friends, most of the time he drinks the lowest to non-alcoholic beverages there are in the bar. He sits beside Andrew, nursing his own whiskey drink that Ryan had given earlier.

Andrew feels a pang of red hot heat hit his chest at the idea of Ryan and Steven being so close and familiar with one another.

“I told you, it’s fine,” Andrew assures his friend, trying to brush away any thought of concern from Steven’s mind. “It was mutual. Things just weren’t working out anymore.” He assures his friend as Andrew gulps in his glass of whiskey. He lets out a sigh of relief but immediately groans as soon as his drink leaves his throat. It’s been feeling really dry recently like something was also lodged in there. He probably needed to drink more liquid.

“Alright, but you know that you can always call on me if you need anything right?” Steven tells him and Andrew feels a warmth in his chest at those words. He knows he can always count on Steven.

“I know--” And before Andrew could even finish his sentence, Steven’s phone on their table suddenly lit up for a call. Andrew could see the name of the caller, named girlfriend with three heart emojis right next to it. Andrew grips on his glass, biting on his tongue so that he could stop himself from saying anything harsh to Steven.

He’d rather hurt than do anything to make Steven sad.

“I’m sorry,” Steven quickly apologized, he took his phone then rejected the call. “I’ll call her--”

“Don’t worry about me and talk to her,” Andrew cuts him off and Steven looks at him with wide blinking eyes. “That’s your girlfriend. You shouldn’t keep her waiting. I have my whiskeys here, so go call her and see what’s up.” He says as he pushes Steven lightly to try and shoo him away.

He hopes to god that Steven wouldn’t listen to him. That he would stay here with Andrew and comfort him for the relationship he wasn’t even feeling bad about ending.

“Are you sure?” The silveret inquires in a soft tone of voice, barely even audible in the room full of noise. But Andrew heard him loud and clear. Andrew is always listening to Steven.

“Yeah,” He smiles and as soon as the words left his lips, Andrew felt the lodge in his throat grow bigger. It was like he swallowed an unchewed meat whole or a small bone got stuck in his throat. He cleared his throat, willing the ill-comfort to subside as he continued. “I’ll be here when you come back. That call’s important.” 

Steven sighs but he smiles and grabs a hold of Andrew’s hand. The action took the blond by surprise, his entire body suddenly feeling warm and comfortable with just a simple touch from Steven. “Hey, you’re important too,” Steven told him gently.

Andrew felt his heart swell at those words and he nearly felt himself cry. _‘What did I ever do to deserve you?’_ Andrew said internally.

Andrew looked away, clearing his throat as it felt dry. “You’re so fucking embarrassing.” He tells the silveret but there was a laugh after his words and Andrew smiled at Steven. “Don’t get mad at me if you guys suddenly start fighting.”

Steven shrugged, he let go of Andrew’s hand which disappointed the blond for a split second. Steven adjusted his seat so that he was seating right next to Andrew, the heat of his body making the blond feel as though he would melt and turn into mush. “We’re, kinda in a rough spot right now,” Steven admitted.

Andrew’s ears perked up at those words, listening closely to Steven. “Oh? Hopefully, it’s nothing too bad.” Andrew took a shot of his vodka, clearing his throat again since it seemed to burn his throat in a painful way. He gestured to a waiter and asked for another shot. He probably just needed to drink more.

He actually, weirdly enough, felt a bit horrible. Feeling happy to hear about Steven’s crumbling relationship. Andrew wanted to mentally slap himself for being an asshole.

“Probably just communication problems.” Steven sighs. “Being in New York and all, we’re both not used to long-distance.”

Andrew snorts at that explanation. “Seriously? That’s dumb.” He received his new drink from one of the staff and thanked them first before going back to Steven. “If you guys really loved each other, the distance would be bullshit.”

Steven laughs and he shakes his head at the blond’s words. “God, I’m supposed to be comforting you here! Not the other way around.” Steven looks to Andrew’s eyes and sees a soft and genuine look in them. Steven feels his own breath hitch against his throat and hates the feeling of warmth that he got just from that gaze.

“I don’t mind,” It was Andrew’s turn to shrug this time, he looked deep into Steven’s eyes because he felt as though that this feeling of his, this needed to be said face to face. “If I was your girlfriend, I’d love you enough to wait for you.”

The tone of sincerity in Andrew’s voice made Steven feel weak, as though he would tear up. He hated it. Hated, hated it.

Out of the blue, Steven felt as though he needed to distract himself from it all. He took a hold of the vodka shot in Andrew’s hands then drank it himself. His body was hot and the liquid burned too much at his throat. As soon as he finished his drink, Steven covered his mouth with his hand.

He felt sick. He felt horrible.

The acidity in his stomach was acting up again and Steven knew that bile was slowly crawling up his system again… Waiting to escape.

“Steven,” Andrew placed a hand on his shoulder, quickly assessing the sudden change in Steven’s demeanor.

A whimper escaped the silveret as his other hand rested on his stomach. _‘Not now, not now,’_ Steven mused internally, feeling the pain worsen. He nearly curled himself into a ball, his body trembling as he tried to move away from Andrew. Somehow, his touches seemed to make the pain increase.

“Is it your acidity?” Andrew inquired as he gestured to Adam, the cameraman already knowing what to do as soon as he saw Steven. “Do you have your medicine?”

Steven shook his head no, tears prickling at his eyes. He was dizzy and everything was starting to become fuzzy in his mind. 

“Okay, I’m taking you home,” Andrew announced. He easily took hold of Steven’s arm that wasn’t on his mouth and let it rest on his shoulder. Steven had immediately and unconsciously out of his will, rested his body against Andrew. The blond turned to him _‘I’ll take care of you,’_ He thought internally.

It felt as though that at that moment, Andrew had come onto something. But he pushed those thoughts away for a moment in favor of helping Steven get better.

Adam had just come back with a bottle of water as they were walking away from their table. He was quick to come to his best friend’s side. “I’m taking Steven home, sorry Adam.” Andrew apologized to the brunet.

Adam shakes his head. “It’s been getting pretty boring anyway,” Adam tells the duo as he starts to support Steven from the other side. “I’ll come with you guys.”

\--------------------------------------------

“So, next week you’ll go to New York right?” Steven said as he drove around Los Angeles. It’s been a couple of days since the fiasco back at the club. He felt bad for being such a burden to both Andrew and Adam. He was always starting to feel sick and hated that his best friends always had to adjust, just for him. He wanted to be extra nice to them and so, even when Andrew had told him that it was alright, Andrew can just drive for him, Steven outright refused. He at least wanted to do this small thing for the other.

“Yup, we have the same flight right?” Andrew answered back happily. There was something about Andrew recently that Steven couldn’t quite put his finger on… He liked it, yet at the same time, there was a feeling of dread in the pits of his stomach…

He hopes that feeling would stop soon.

“You alright?” Andrew asked him, a concerned look back in his features and Steven once again felt like a burden. He hadn’t realized that he had been staring at Andrew, instead of the road with a pained look in his face.

“What?” Steven answered back as he looked away and focused back on the road. “Of course!” He forced out a laugh, to which he knows Andrew would easily catch up. 

He’s thankful that the blond didn’t comment on it further.

“If you want you can stay over at my place.” He says jokingly with a laugh, trying to lighten the mood. “Probably better than staying at a hotel.”

There was a pregnant pause between the two of them and Steven felt a shiver run down his spine at the sudden change of atmosphere.

“I…” Andrew started and Steven can’t tell if he was glad or not that they came to a stop thanks to the red light. “I’d actually be more comfortable with that if you don’t mind.” There was a hesitant tone in Andrew’s words as though he was afraid that Steven would reject him.

Steven smiles and starts driving again after the green light. “Of course, I don’t.” He said in all honesty, ignoring the sigh of relief that left Andrew’s lips. “I’d have to clean up my house for you.”

The two of them laughed and the uneasy feeling that settled between them earlier had dissipated. 

“What day’s our flight again?” Steven inquired to keep the conversation going as he turned at an intersection. 

“It’s on the thirteen. I need to start packing soon.” Andrew answered and as soon as he did, there was a look of distress on Steven’s face again.

“Wait, what’s the date today?” Came another question from Steven.

“Uhm,” Andrew checks his phone for a moment. “It’s eight today, why?”

“Oh no!” It’s September 8 today?! I can’t believe I forgot!” Steven exasperates, suddenly looking stressed. “What time is it?”

“Why what’s wrong?” Andrew inquires as he checks the time. “It’s 9:36. What’s on September 8?”

“I need to go to church,” Steven answers with a sigh. “It’s the Nativity of the Virgin Mary today and I need to go to mass.” He stops the car when another driver suddenly cuts him off. Steven lets out a frustrated sigh, pissed at the driver but not wanting to be mean enough to have to blast his horn against the other. “I wonder if I can still make it to the last mass.” He says as he starts driving again.

“Hey, there’s a church close by here right? The Church of Peter of something?” Andrew suffices as he looks at Steven. He wishes he could wipe that sad look off of his face, he hates seeing Steven look so down. Andrew placed a hand on his arm and he could feel Steven flinch at the touch. He was about to retract his hand when the silveret suddenly looked as though he had calmed down from it. “Maybe we can still make it?”

“It’s St. Peter’s Church,” Steven corrects and he looks at Andrew with a sad smile. “No, it’s okay. I have to drive you home first.”

“What? No. You go to that mass first. How long does it have to be anyways?” Andrew refuses, firm on his decision. 

“Masses usually last for an hour. I don’t want you to wait that long.” Steven answers.

“Hey, it’s your faith right?” Andrew says and Steven looks to him for a moment. “I can sit my ass down for an hour if it means you can practice your religion properly.” He found nothing wrong with staying put for an hour if it meant he could spend more time with Steven. Screw going home and sleeping an hour earlier, he wouldn’t deprive Steven of his own faith. “Besides, I’ve sat down with you longer in different places, I can handle a church.” He smiles.

“For real? You’re alright with coming with me to church?” Steven asks again, but there’s a tone in his voice that makes him sound cheerful and elated. Andrew loves hearing that.

“I am. Just drive to St. Peter already,” He chuckles.

The church was only a couple of blocks away from where they were, Steven parked their car and the two of them walked to the entrance of the church. Andrew has to admit that he has passed by the place from time to time, but he couldn’t help but whistle a little at the vast area the church took up now that he was close to it. 

“Wow, churches are big,” Andrew comments as he looks around and finds white lilies displayed at the entrance of the church. He turns around to ask Steven about it but finds the other at a stoup of the entrance. He watches the silveret dip the tip of his fingers at the stoup, wetting them a bit before he does that sign of a cross that he always sees Catholics do.

Andrew couldn’t help but watch him. Steven looks absolutely enchanting in no matter what he does and Andrew feels more and more enamored with each day that passes. He hadn’t realized that he had spaced out until Steven came to him and waved a hand in front of Andrew.

“You okay?” Steven asked, feeling nervous. “You sure this is alright?”

“Yeah, sorry. I’m just taking it all in, first time in a church you know?” Andrew admitted half the reason. “What was that by the way?” He asks as the blond points over to the stoup Steven was at earlier.

“Oh, that’s holy water,” Steven explains as he glances back at the stoup for a second. “It’s a sign of respect for whenever you enter the church.” 

“Should I also?” Andrew asks as he mimics the sign of the cross Steven did earlier.

Steven laughs and it felt like music to Andrew’s ears. The silveret shakes his head no and starts walking inside the church. “No, it’s alright. Let’s get in, I want to sit in the front since we’re early.”

Andrew groans a little. “Do we have to?” But there was a smile on his lips showing that he wasn’t that bothered by it.

“Yes!” Steven says as he hesitantly tries to grabs ahold of Andrew’s arm. Andrew doesn’t know why, but he reached out to Steven’s arm instead and held onto the sleeve of his jacket. There was an evident blush forming on the silveret’s cheeks and in that instant, Andrew was immediately felt like mush to Steven. They walked to the front row, Steven leading him to where they now sat at. That moment was a swift blur, Andrew not being able to fully comprehend the moment as he ended up basking in the heat and warmth that was Steven beside him. As they sat at the pews, Andrew noticed the myriad of floras inside the church. He knew that there was a celebration in Steven’s religion right now and he has to admit, the flower arrangement was beautiful. But most of all, his attention was grabbed by the amount of beautiful lilies at the front of the church, surrounding the mini statue of a woman.

“What’s the event again?” Andrew asked in a whisper, leaning in close to Steven.

“The Nativity of Mary, basically it’s her birthday.” Steven leans in close to him too and Andrew felt himself grow hot at the lack of space between them.

“Birthday huh? That explains the flowers.” Andrew says. “Was she particularly fond of Lilies? I remember you like them too.” 

“Yeah, lilies are a symbol of the Virgin Mary,” Steven explains, leaning in closer so that he could lower his voice without Andrew having a hard time hearing him. Andrew could now practically feel Steven’s breath on his ear. He had to try and stifle down the shiver he got from the close proximity. “They mean virginity, purity, and love.”

“I see,” Andrew says and he feels Steven pull away from him. Andrew settled down into his seat, trying to calm his rapidly beating heart. He tried to think of what Steven had said earlier, the birthday of some… Deity? Is she a god? Andrew has no clue, but it felt weird to keep talking to Steven when a couple of old people were starting to glare daggers at them. 

He decided to people watch, for now, seeing many devotees kneeling down at the kneelers. Even with the pillow-like top on the kneelers, Andrew decided that that would probably still be uncomfortable. He wondered if Steven would have to kneel at those later, hoping that he doesn’t do so since they look unstable as well.

 _‘Virginity, purity, and love.’_ Steven’s words from earlier echoed out in Andrew’s head as he looked at the statue of the supposed Virgin Mary. _‘That’s just like him.’_ He thought to himself. Steven, in Andrew’s opinion, was pure and full of love. To top it all off, Steven had also told him he was a virgin through one of their episodes in Worth it. The days of the past of them talking about many things together, of Steven’s idea of love, of how he wants to wait till marriage… How every time Steven talks about anything there’s a feeling of sheer purity emanating from him and that’s just how Andrew sees him... The idea of lilies felt like it described Steven quite well as well.

The mass started and Andrew pretty much just listened to whatever the hell the priest had to say. He was a bit shocked to find out though that the _‘Virgin Mary’_ is supposedly the mother of a fucking god. That’s weird, but it’s Steven’s religion so he won’t judge. There was a sermon of following the word of god, explaining the history of their faith, and then singing songs that Andrew knew nothing about but just hummed along in hopes that nobody would notice that he was sticking out of this place like a sore thumb.

And just then, one of the songs had them hold hands. 

Steven’s soft warm hand suddenly held his own and he lifted them up. Andrew looked at Steven bewildered, eyes wide, and questioning… But he didn’t pull away and instead, held Steven’s hand back. His heart pounded hard against his chest, it both hurt and made him feel warm.

“Don’t worry, this is normal. Just hold hands with the person beside you and hum along to the song.” Andrew reluctantly held the fingertips of the stranger beside him, not at all liking that he had to hold hands with someone he didn’t know. But he had to suck it up, for now, he wouldn’t want to offend anyone in here, especially Steven.

He tried not to mind it so much, his thoughts would go back to Steven’s hand that was warm and familiar. He felt Steven hold his hand a little tighter and Andrew looked at him. Their eyes met and Steven smiled at him while singing.

Andrew felt his chest ache and become warm at the same time, his head dizzily giddy. There was another scratching pain at his throat that went all the way down to his stomach that was so uncomfortable that Andrew had to hold on tighter to Steven’s hand so that he wouldn’t crouch down at the floor from the pain. Steven held his hand tight, worried about his friend as Andrew looked down on the floor, suddenly seeming to be in pain.

They held hands throughout the entirety of the song and when they sat down, Steven had to place a hand on Andrew’s back to comfort him. “Are you alright?” Steven whispered.

“I’m alright, I’m good.” There was a slight pant to his words, but he looked up to Steven and smiled. “Don’t worry, it’s nothing.” 

“Are you sure? We can leave you know.” Steven told him as he gently rubbed at his back and Andrew doesn’t know if Steven’s hand was comforting or making him feel worse, but all he knows is that he doesn’t want Steven to stop. He fought against the pain, putting on a façade for Steven. 

“Yeah. I promise you, I’m good.” 

“Okay,” Steven gave in. “But if you feel sick, just tell me okay?” 

Andrew nodded and they listened to the priest again, that was until the communion started. People started to stand up from their seats and Andrew looked to Steven who was also standing up. He followed the silveret, but Steven stopped him by putting a hand on Andrew’s chest.

His chest burned hotly from the silveret’s touch that Andrew had to concede in slowly sitting back down.

“It’s holy communion. I’ll come back, just wait here alright?” Steven said and Andrew nodded.

He watched Steven wait in line to be fed by a priest. _‘So, weird.’_ Andrew thought, but he shrugged the idea out of his head in favor of just watching Steven. He really had to stop judging them, this was a different religion and one he didn’t know about. Heck, Andrew doesn’t even practice any religion, so he should get no say here. He smiled as he watched the silveret, watching Steven be fed a piece of maybe bread Andrew thinks. Steven beelines his way back to their place, but instead of sitting down next to Andrew, he goes down on the kneeler. It was at least a minute or two that Andrew had to stare at Steven. There was a look of concentration on his face that Andrew had never seen before, his eyes were closed and his hands were clasped as he prayed.

 _‘I love you.’_ He mused internally and Andrew felt as though he had just been showered with ice and cold water. _‘I’m in love with Steven.’_

_‘I love Steven…’_

It felt as though everything had just clicked and came into place, draining all the color from Andrew’s face and leaving him cold. “I love you,” He murmurs so softly, so gently, that maybe even only god themself would be able to hear him.

He whispers his confession like a man who had just lost everything.

At the end of the mass, Andrew and Steven came out of the churchand back into the cold weather of the outside. They saw people taking the vases of white lilies and putting them inside. “So that’s what mass is like?” Andrew said as they walked to the parking lot. He had been on a slight edge the entire time he was with the silveret. After realizing in the middle of a church mass that he was in love with his best friend, one doesn’t really have the mental capacity to stay composed the entire time. . Andrew tried as much as possible to remain calm and cool.

He just wanted to touch and hold Steven now after realizing his own feelings.

“Yeah!” Steven said as he opened the car and sat inside. He immediately turned on the heater, both him and Andrew basking in the heat for a moment, Andrew moreso. The silveret turned to his side and looked at the blond. “Thanks for this, I really appreciate it.”

He looked so soft and precious, Andrew could easily feel himself relax around Steven even after his earlier revelations. He never knew how life-changing it could be to attend one mass. “No problem, I didn’t mind.”

“I love you man,” Steven grinned and Andrew’s heart skipped a beat. “You’re the bestest friend I could ever have.”

It hurt. **_It hurt_** **_so badly_**. He felt honored and happy that Steven loves him and considers him a best friend, but why? Why out of all the days did he have to say both the words love and best friend together?

Andrew felt as though he would cry right there and then on his spot.

He wasn’t able to reply back to Steven as his body immediately started to spasm in agony, his torso constructing and tightening. It was hard to breathe and he felt as though he could cough out his lungs. _‘This is bad, this is bad,’_ Were the only thoughts in his head as Andrew turned away, covering his mouth so he could cough out the pain and the blockage that was inside his body. He didn’t know what was inside his lungs traveling to his throat but Andrew wanted it out **_NOW_ **.

“Andrew! Andrew!” Steven cried out to the other, holding him in his arms as he continued to rub at his back. The silveret was starting to panic. He didn’t know what had happened, one moment he and Andrew were fine, next Andrew was suddenly coughing his lungs out.

“Should I drive you to the hospital? Andrew? Do you have any medicine there?” Steven tried frantically as he felt Andrew shiver in his arms.

“No…” He coughed. “No, I’m--” He couldn’t even form full sentences right now. Andrew held one of Steven’s hands and he felt tears prickle at the corner of his eyes. His throat was burning up and there was a swelling there that he wanted to get rid of. It was like he wanted to scratch the inside of his throat or try to soothe it. Anything. Anything at all just to make it stop. The silveret kept his hand on Andrew’s, giving him the support he needed in holding his hand tight. Andrew’s grip was strong and it hurt a tad, but Steven could care less about it at this moment.

They both didn’t know how long Andrew had coughed, but by the time he had stopped the blond could feel a warm liquid on his hand that was slowly turning cold. Green eyes looked down on his palm and Andrew saw that there was a copious amount of sanguine there.

“Andrew,” Steven called out to him and Andrew looked at him. “I’m taking you to the hospital.”

“No,” His voice stung him and Andrew had to wince.

“No Andrew, you need to see a doctor. That’s not normal!” Steven said.

“It’s fine,” Andrew said. “It’s fine.” He didn’t know who he was trying to convince, himself or Steven.

“Is it…” Steven started and Andrew waited for him. “Hanahaki?”

Andrew’s eyes widened, not expecting Steven to say that. “It is, is it?” He said with a trembling lip and stuttering voice. “Was it because of her? Ever since you broke up with her, you’ve been coughing.”

 _‘No, it’s not her. It’s you.’_ Andrew wanted to say, but he stopped himself. He would never hurt Steven like that. Not Steven, never his Steven. 

The silveret was probably right that this is Hanahaki, but Andrew would be damned if he let it slip to the other.

“No,” Andrew said as firmly as he could, his voice somewhat resembling back to normality. “It’s not, I promise.” He needed to be strong for Steven today. 

Andrew needs to be strong for both of them.

“Promise?” He looked so fragile and Andrew wanted to hug him, to protect Steven from all the things he wishes he wasn’t seeing right now. Steven didn’t deserve to see him in this state and Andrew definitely did not deserve Steven at all.

But god, how he wished he did deserve Steven.

Andrew wishes Steven could love him back, even if it was just a small portion of how Andrew feels towards him.

“I promise,” He assures the other with a smile. “I’ll go see a doctor after New York.”

“That’s too long!” Steven argued. “We should go see one right now!”

“No,” Andrew answered again firmly. “This is nothing. After New York, I’ll update you as soon as possible okay?” He urged Steven to agree, not letting the other get a say in his health. He needs to fix this problem on his own.

Steven sighed. “Okay, okay.” He looks to him with pleading eyes and Andrew knows that one look from Steven, he would give the world to him. “Promise?”

“I promise.”

\-------------------------------------------------------

Getting back home after Steven had dropped him off earlier, Andrew had to reassure the other numerous times on his health. He was glad for all the attention he was getting, but he wishes that it wasn’t out of worry. As soon as he was home, Andrew beelined to his fridge to heat up the leftover pizza he had ordered yesterday. He was far too preoccupied and tired to even think about cooking dinner for tonight.

He fished out his phone, knowing fully well that he should handle his problem as quickly as possible so as not to get fucked over. He contacted his doctor to see if he can get a schedule after his trip from New York, informing as well about a possible Hanahaki. Andrew was scared. Scared for his life, scared of what could happen the next few days, but most of all, he was scared for Steven.

Andrew laughed, shaking his head. “Even when I’m possibly dying, you’re still the one I think about.” He thinks so fondly of Steven, but there was still bitterness laced in his voice.

The bitterness of knowing that Steven will never love him back.

\----------------------------------------------

They arrive at New York at night, Steven and Andrew bringing their luggage over to the silveret’s apartment. As soon as Andrew stepped inside the place, he looked around and frowned a little.

“Your place…” He starts off.

“I know, I know, it looks like a mess.” Steven finished for him with an embarrassed laugh.

“I was going to say empty.” Andrew corrects the other and Steven looks at him surprised. “You’ve been living here for more than half a year now, but it looks like you just moved here a week ago.” He suffices.

“Yeah…” Steven answers as he scratches his head, Andrew watches him as he waits for more. “I guess… It’s just been hard for me to adjust here recently.” 

The blond couldn’t help but place a hand on Steven’s shoulder and the silveret looked at him with eyes that Andrew couldn’t decipher the meaning. The blond’s breath stops for a moment and he wants to appreciate, yet he can’t put off the feeling that there’s also sorrow in those eyes that he loves so much.

“Did something happen?” Andrew asks carefully.

Steven shakes his head and tries to laugh it off. “No, no.” Andrew knows he’s lying and just as he was about to cut Steven off, the silveret suddenly says. “I guess I just get homesick for you too much.”

 _‘For you,’_ The words echo in Andrew’s head and he stops and stares at Steven. Steven stills and looks shocked at the words that left his own lips. He doesn’t look at Andrew and Andrew…

Andrew feels a tiny flicker of hope light up in him.

“I mean, not you.” Steven tries to explain, but Andrew can see the way he stammers and tries to save himself. “Of course not just you.” Steven had lied to him so many times during their videos together just for fun, that Andrew had actually gotten quite good at knowing whether he was lying or not over the years.

And now, when he was nervous and looking emotional and frantic… It was so much more easier to spot a lie.

“I meant, you know everyone?” Steven told him. “Like Adam, Annie, and uh… Ryan and Shane…” 

“I get it,” Andrew tells him and he could almost see the sigh of relief leave Steven’s lips. 

“Yeah, yeah,” The silveret still looked anxious and was now refusing to look at Andrew. “I uh… I have a guest room over here, you can stay there.” He takes off immediately and leads Andrew to the room without ever looking back at him. 

Andrew navigates quietly behind Steven, mulling over the piece of information he got today. 

Was it relevant? Was it important? Or was Andrew just too hopelessly in love that he was willing to see something that wasn’t there?

Andrew would like to think that he can at least test out a theory… What more can he lose anyways? He was a dead man anyway if the Hanahaki takes him… That is, if he even has it in the first place.

He closed the door to Steven’s guest room and took in his surroundings. The interior was white and lonely. There was a cabinet there and as Andrew opened it, saw the inside empty as well. He knows it’s probably nothing and that Andrew was just thinking too much, but he can’t help but have a different gut feeling about all of this.

He arranges his clothes before sitting down on the bed. There’s no blanket on it yet and he distinctly remembered Steven telling him earlier that the extra sheets were under the cabinet drawers. Andrew feels himself groan, too much work and he’s already tired from the trip. 

It takes him a while, but he arranges the bed himself before flopping down on it tiredly.

Oddly enough, the sheets smelled familiar. _‘Is this what Steven’s bed would smell like too?’_ Andrew thought to himself and felt himself flush hot at the thought.

The blond shook his head and tried to get all thoughts out for now. As much as he did love Steven, him willing to lose many things for the silveret, and so much more…

“He still has a girlfriend,” Andrew reminded himself and another ache in his chest came as he remembered that fact. 

If anything, Andrew was no asshole that just gallantly went about destroying relationships here and there. He was not someone that greedily took things without the thought of others… He will never be strong enough to hurt Steven like that.

“Fuck,” Andrew rolled around in bed. “Fuck, why is everything so fucked up.”

\-----------------------------------------------------------

His second day in New York, Steven looked as though he was actively avoiding Andrew. But Andrew tried not to pay it any mind. He was busy and so was the silveret, maybe their schedules just weren’t adding up. Maybe Andrew’s just too paranoid and maybe…

Maybe, he was thinking too much.

He buried himself with work, it was the best thing to do for now. The blond feels his throat itch and scratch with pain every now and then. The amount of times that Andrew had to clear his throat, only to excuse himself a minute later to have a coughing fit at the bathroom was annoying. He hated being sick, hated the fact that it was hindering his work ethic and that Andrew was wasting precious time coughing his lungs out when he could be in front of a computer editing and researching.

He was currently in the bathroom again, coughing into one of the sinks. There was blood in them and every day that passes, more and more sanguine escapes him. _‘I should’ve gone to a doctor earlier,’_ He contemplates and mentally scolds himself for waiting too long.

After finishing up, Andrew cleans himself up and washes his face just to make sure that there are no traces of red on his face. As he was cleaning his hands, the door to the bathroom opened and the blond came face to face with a red-faced angry-looking Steven who was on the phone.

Steven ignored him and immediately locked himself inside one of the stalls. 

Andrew shouldn’t… He should get out of here as fast as possible since he was done with his business now… He should get out… He was in no place to eavesdrop on his best friend.

“What’re you talking about?!” Came Steven’s voice, angry and hurt.

Even if Andrew wanted to go out, his feet were now glued to the ground involuntarily because he’s too dumb to leave Steven alone.

There was some radio-silence and Andrew felt uncomfortable in having to stand in the middle of the bathroom looking like some idiot.

And then, there was a sniffle. 

It was small and barely audible at first, Andrew even thought he was imagining it at first. But then, the unmistakable sound of Steven crying came to his ears and Andrew just wanted to burst open the door so he could hold Steven in his arms and protect him from whatever it was that hurt him.

“We’ll talk about this later,” Steven stammered out. “No, no, not right now. I’m at work.” He could hear him breaking inside that stall, yet Andrew was paralyzed at his place. Still not knowing what to do.

“Later, later, I’m sorry.” It was torture to keep listening. “I just… We’ll talk later okay?”

Silence again.

A second of uncomfortable silence that felt like an eternity.

There was a sigh from the stall followed by Steven’s voice. “Are you still there Andrew?”

The blond gulped and clenched his fists. “Yeah, sorry.” 

The door to the stall opened and came out Steven, flushed with residual anger, yet his expression looked broken. There were tears at his cheeks and Andrew couldn’t help but walk over to the silveret and cup Steven’s face in his hands.

“What happened?” It didn’t even register to Andrew what he was doing, all he knows is that Steven is hurt and the blond would do anything for him. “Are you okay?”

“Ah, yeah” Steven looked away, not wanting to look Andrew in the eyes. “It was…” Steven sniffled and his nose scrunched up in the action. “My… My girlfriend… We were just fighting.”

 _‘Don’t feel happy, don’t feel happy,’_ Andrew chastised himself internally.

“That sucks,” Andrew told him. “Do you want to talk about it?” He let go of Steven and for a moment, Andrew thinks Steven may have even whimpered and tried to lean in back to his hands. Andrew ignored those for now in favor of grabbing some tissues.

The silveret was silent, his eyes were cast down as he idly fiddled with his phone. “I…” He started and Andrew offered him some tissues. “Thanks,” Steven said firstly as he blew his nose then wiped the tears away. “It’s alright, it’s nothing.”

“Doesn’t look like nothing,” Andrew told him firmly and he saw the silveret shy away from his words.

“It’s nothing, it’s probably my fault,” Steven explained. “I haven’t been giving her any attention lately.”

Andrew shakes his head and was about to speak when someone else had suddenly entered the bathroom. They were given an odd look at first before Andrew glared at the man, making the stranger quickly scurry their way off to the farthest stall.

Andrew directed his attention back to Steven who was now looking down embarrassed. 

“Want to go grab lunch?” He suggested and Steven looked up to him confused.

“Lunch? But we just finished earlier--”

Andrew shrugged Steven’s reply off. “So? I’m feeling hungry, maybe dessert?” He smiled, trying to take the pressure away from the atmosphere.

And everything felt so much better when Steven smiled back at him, it made Andrew feel like the luckiest man alive. “Yeah, yeah okay. I’ll just.” The silveret gestured to the sinks and Andrew moved away so Steven could wash his face.

Maybe there was still a sliver of hope that everything will turn out good.

They visited the chocolate shop that Steven had been begging Andrew to come to ever since they had arrived in New York.

“You’re going to love it here! I swear!” Steven sounded giddy, the traces of blues from earlier nearly untraceable. Andrew felt his heart swell with pride.

“Okay, okay. So, tell me which one’s the best New Yorker.” Andrew joked.

“Andrew!” Steven fake gasped. “You know better, you call me Big Apple.” He grinned.

Andrew rolled his eyes fondly at the exchange. “Fine, _Big Apple Steve_. Which one’s the best?”

They came to the displays close to the counter, the duo huddled close as Steven looked at the choices. “This one, this one,” He pointed at chocolates shaped like cats. “Playful Kittens, they’re sweet but not too sweet.” He looked at Andrew delighted. “When I first saw them, I thought they were so you.”

There was that familiar pain in his chest, yet this time overpowered by a feeling of fondness for Steven. “Yeah, I think they’re purr-fect.” 

“Ugh,” Steven groaned. “Yeah, they are. Also, another one, the smoky black.” He pointed to a different one and Andrew checked it. “It’s dark chocolate.”

“Dark huh,” Andrew mimics the other’s words before looking at Steven and asking. “Hey Steven, do you know how to make dark chocolate?”

The silveret looks at him and blinks a few times in confusion. “Uh, no?”

Andrew smirked. “You _turn off_ the lights to make it dark.”

Steven covered his face and groaned loudly and the cashier person close to them laughed. “I should’ve seen that coming,” He said while shaking his head.

“Believe it or _nut_ , it’s going to be a _rocky road_ for you today.” He continued.

“Stop it!” Steven said but there was a slight chortle to his voice. 

“Snack it?” Andrew continued and he could see Steven both cringe and laugh at his puns. 

“I’m serious, and I was planning on treating you today,” Steven said as he walked away to get their orders to the cashier.

“Alright, alright, I’m sorry. I don’t have any _Twix_ up my sleeve anymore.” He slid in that one last pun.

The cashier person laughed again and Steven only leaned in close to him. “I hate you,” He said but there was no malice in them, just pure playful banter that Andrew loved.

“Love you too,” He said and for some odd reason, telling that to Steven made the burden in Andrew’s chest feel lighter.

\---------------------------------------------------------------------

His trip to New York was hectic and fast. Andrew only needed to stay in the city for three days; there were a lot of papers to arrange, some videos that needed editing and approval, and lastly a meeting in regards to new Worth it videos. Thanks to his little trip with Steven yesterday, he had to do so much overtime that Andrew didn’t even get a wink of sleep at all from all the work that got stacked upon him. On his last day, he had to stay in the office late into the night and do a lot of overtime. He ignored the fact that his body was burned out and he was already straining on his last bit of energy. The blond was bone dead tired, but he kept telling himself just a bit more, just a bit more. 

_‘Just a bit more, then I can relax and hang out with Steven again.’_ He thought to himself. Yesterday, the only time they had to spent together was when they were in the chocolate shop. It was fun and Andrew missed his best friend so sorely. He wished their company wasn’t being such an asshole and dumping huge amounts of work on him.

Today is his last day in New York. Andrew had slumped himself down on the chair in their office. He still needed to pack his stuff for his flight tomorrow. The blond could already feel himself doze off from drowsiness.

“Hey, don’t sleep here.” There was a light tap on his shoulder and Andrew opened his eyes to find Steven. “Coffee?” He sat on the open space of Andrew’s desk as he offered a drink to the blond. 

Andrew took the coffee graciously, sipping on it first and practically moaning as he did so. “God, that’s good.” It never registered to him that that action had caused Steven to blush.

“You finished with work already?” Andrew inquired as he took another sip of his drink and waited for Steven’s reply.

Steven stammered, looking away. “Oh, uh yeah. I was waiting for you actually.” He said while fiddling with the sleeves of his jacket.

God, how Andrew wishes he could just swoop Steven up, take him in his arms, and kiss him right there and then… Fuck, why did he have to have to girlfriend?

“Aw, that’s so sweet.” Andrew decided to tease him instead and the blush on Steven’s cheeks deepened. Another flicker of hope, slowly getting stronger.

Andrew hates hoping like this, hoping like an idiot.

“It’s a basic courtesy, Andrew,” Steven defends himself. “Besides, we’re driving home to the same place. I’d be such an awful friend if I let you commute alone you know? Anyways, are you finished with work or do you still have something else to do?” He tilted his head to the side in question.

Andrew shrugged. “Nah, I’m finished.” 

“Awesome,” Steven pulled him close, resting an arm on Andrew's shoulder. He leaned in close to Steven who was so soft and comforting, like a hot bowl of borscht on a cold winter night. Andrew can already feel some of his weariness be washed away from just a simple touch. “Let’s go so you can rest up and pack up for your flight tomorrow.”

As they were packing up to go home, another employee, Joana if Andrew remembers correctly, tapped Steven on the shoulder.

“Hey there Big Apple,” She greets him and Steven greets her back with a hug.

Andrew tries not to frown at Joana for getting a hug from Steven.

“What’s up?” The silveret asks.

“Just wanted to give you these.” She hands a couple of folders to Steven. “Big boss gave them, seems like your proposal got approved.” She tells him excitedly.

“Oh god yes,” Steven says in glee as he looks up excitedly before kissing the folders. He checks the files in the folders. “They better approve this! I had to miss mass yesterday because of this!”

“Mass?” Andrew asks with a puzzled look. “Isn’t mass only during Sundays as you said?” 

“Oh, yeah. But, we were celebrating another feast yesterday.” Steven answers.

“Our Lady of Sorrows’ feast to be exact,” Joana sufficed with a nod of her head. “Although I kinda hated the sermon yesterday, the priest was rude.” She told them in irritation, a slight tone of disgust evident in her voice.

“Really? Why’s that?” Andrew asks, curious. “Is this different from that Nativity of Mary I went with you last time?” He directs the question to Steven this time.

“Oh yeah, very different,” Steven says as he puts his folder down on the desk for a moment. “Nativity of the Virgin Mary is her birthday. Our Lady of Sorrows is about praying for the suffering and grief Mary experienced when Jesus Christ was killed.”

“And let me tell you, even when that was the supposed topic, the priest at the Church did a 180 on the topic and talked about LGBT instead,” Joana exasperated. “It was horrible, I hated it. Felt so uncomfortable the entire time.”

“Was it that homophobic priest?” Steven asked, his features scrunching up in displease.

“Yes!” Joanna answered. “He was all, gays will not go to heaven, blah blah blah, stop sinning, etc etc. Like okay, homophobe.” 

“Wait, I thought LGBT people were accepted within Catholics already?” Andrews asked, confused this time, looking to both Steven and Joana. “That’s pretty fucked up if not.”

“Yeah, well it’s kinda in debate?” Steven answered back a bit unsure, looking as though he was going to shy away from Andrew again… The blond could already feel his heart drop at that.

“Kinda, but a majority do believe it’s not a sin,” Joana answered. “God loves all of us equally.” She smiled. “Ah, but anyways! I have other things I need to finish. Sorry for talking too much!” 

“No problem, thanks for the file!” Steven shouted to Joana who was already running away from them.

“Sorry about that, you ready?” Steven asked as he tucked his folder inside his bag, deliberately looking away from Andrew again.

There was an uneasiness between them again. “Been ready like 20 minutes ago,” Andrew says and grins, trying to lighten the mood once more.

They were back in Steven’s car, driving in the cold streets of New York. There was something that was bothering Andrew about the conversation with Joana earlier. He hated having to put Steven in a hot spot, but the question was gnawing at Andrew and wouldn’t leave him alone. He started to fidget in his seat, uncomfortable with not being able to talk about it. He sighed, looked at Steven, and decided to fuck it.

“Do you hate gay people?” Andrew asked, probably not the best way of wording it, but he tried.

“What?” Steven glanced at Andrew, looking offended. “No! What made you think that!?”

“Okay,” He felt relieved like a weight had been lifted from his chest. How stupid could he be? To accuse his own best friend of being homophobic. Maybe the whole conversation earlier had just really screwed with Andrew. A small voice in his head was telling him it was because if Steven was homophobic, then all hopes of reciprocity would be crushed… Andrew tried to drown out that voice in his head, it was far too hopeful and he hated having to think of being with Steven when the man himself was already in a relationship.

“It’s just… Earlier with Joana, when I asked you guys about the church and LGBT, you kinda…” Andrew tried to choose his words carefully. “Looked hesitant?”

He noted how Steven’s grip on the steering wheel tightened. “It’s uh…” Steven tried and he sighs. “It’s complicated.”

“Yeah?” Andrew tried to prod on the subject again. 

“It’s just, ” Steven says, not taking his eyes off the road as he explains to the blond. “For a long time, Catholics didn’t really believe in same-sex relationships or marriage,” Steven answers, stopping for a moment to make a turn and Andrew waits patiently for his full explanation. “I mean, I grew up in a really conservative household, so in a way, I was kinda against them when I was young.”

“Oh…” Andrews replies and he feels his heart drop. It hurts, **_it hurts_ **.

“But,” Steven says and he looks to his friend. “People grow up and I know that it’s not their fault for loving someone. A lot of people, priests, nuns, and followers in general already accept and love gay people. We don’t shun or drive them away, those who do are just assholes.” 

Andrew swallows. It was now or never. “Did you ever think of being in a relationship with a guy?” He asks, wanting to be sure no matter how much it hurts.

“What?” Their car steers uncontrollably for a second and Andrew has to hold onto his seat belt for dear life. He looks to Steven, trying to gauge at his reaction. “Why would you--?”

“Just curious,” Andrew said as he held his hands up to show he meant no harm. “Why so nervous Steven?”

“No, it’s just…” He stammers. “I didn’t expect that.”

“So you’ve never gone out with a guy,” Andrew says as a matter of fact.

“Why? Have you?” Steven retorts back, looking almost defensive.

“Yeah,” Andrew answers, simple and easy. 

Steven looks to him and there it was again, a look that Andrew finds so hard to decipher. It was almost like there was a longing in Steven’s eyes, and god, Andrew wishes it was true because it might just be his own eyes playing fantasy tricks on him because Andrew wants. Andrew wants those eyes to look at him the same way Andrew has for probably years now.

Andrew wants Steven to love him back so much that it hurts.

“When?” Came Steven’s question.

“The road Steven,” Andrew says instead and Steven quickly focuses his attention back to driving. “And since high school. I’ve gone out with different kinds of people Steven.” Andrew shrugs. He’s never admitted it to Steven before, quite frankly because that kind of conversation never really came up between them.

“Oh, I…” Steven tried to reply back. “I uh… I never knew.”

“Ever think about it?” Andrew inquired and he doesn’t understand why he’s being so pushy today, but he has to know. Has to know how Steven would feel about all of this.

Steven stops, stops a long time before he looks to Andrew.

Andrew can just drown in those dark brown hues.

“I,” He tries and stops, a hesitant look as his gaze flickers from Andrew and the road. “I… No,” There’s still hesitation in his voice. “I uh… I never thought about it.” It’s becoming far too easy to spot a lie from Steven recently and Andrew hopes that it is.

Let him hope that it is a lie.

“You hesitated.” He points out.

Steven’s quiet now and they’ve finally arrived at the silveret’s home. There was a relative silence between the two of them as they entered the house. Andrew was the first one in and Steven closed the door behind the two of them.

“I…” Steven started again and easily caught Andrew’s attention. The blond looked at him and Andrew could see the distress on Steven’s features. He leaned back against the door with his hand clutching at the chest of his shirt. He looked everywhere except Andrew. “I’d never do it,” He said and Andrew was confused by his words.

“Do what?” Steven almost looked like he was going to vomit, his entire demeanor was shifty and he trembled. Andrew wanted to walk closer to him, but Steven flinched away when the blond did so.

“With a guy,” He continued and Andrew’s heart was stabbed by a million swords all at once. “I can’t…”

“You can’t?” Andrew repeated the other’s words.

Steven shakes his head and Andrew could see tears in his eyes again. _‘I made him cry,’_ He thinks and Andrew wishes he could take back all the words he said earlier. That he could rewind time and let all of his curiosity be buried deep within his heart. That those questions uttered before to never be spoken of, to never be heard of, to never exist.

How could he do this to Steven? Just because Andrew was selfish.

But what was so selfish with what he asked to make Steven react this way?

What was so selfish of asking Steven if he could love another man? 

It wasn’t as if he had selifishly asked Steven to love Andrew with his questions earlier.

“I grew up with my family and church telling me it’s wrong,” Steven admits ashamedly. “I… They say it’s a sin to do it.” 

There was a flare of anger that burned within Andrew, he felt offended, he felt betrayed, but most of all, he felt hurt. Steven had hurt him in a way he never thought he could be hurt.

“I’m not saying you’re a sinful man Andrew,” Steven continues and he looks to the blond with red teary eyes, tears already falling from his cheeks. “I’m saying I am.” and with that, Steven walked away to shut himself off within the confines of his room.

Andrew was left speechless and numb, or was it misery? He stood there in his place, for god knows how long, for how many minutes to maybe even an hour. He tried to understand, tried to comprehend, tried to **_rationalize_** what Steven had meant by his words.

 _‘I’m saying I am.’_ It echoed over and over in Andrew’s mind, playing like a broken recorder. Not ceasing to give Andrew any kind of peace. But how could he? 

When Steven had said those words in pain.

It felt like an eternity before Andrew moved and found himself back inside the guestroom. There was that feeling of dread once again in his bones and Andrew felt the scarring grasp of a disease grip at him once more. 

He crouched down, his entire body giving out as he started coughing uncontrollably that he could barely even close the door behind him. Andrew crawled onto the floor quickly, tears in his eyes as he moved to the bed where his forgotten jacket from earlier this morning was left behind. Blood spewed out of his mouth and Andrew could feel something coming out of his throat. In a haste, Andrew had covered his face, mostly his mouth with the jacket, trying to muffle out any sound he made. Screw his clothes, for now, screw everything, screw the fucking pain itself. He cried and coughed, wanting so badly for everything to stay as quiet as possible.

 _‘Steven,’_ His mind sufficed and it made his throat burn harder. _‘Steven, Steven,’_ There was nothing in his mind but the silveret, making Andrew feel horrible, worse than earlier.

He coughed. Coughed and coughed and coughed till his throat hurt, till he could feel a pool of blood on his jacket, till he felt that long thin unknown leave his throat.

The blond placed the jacket on the floor, leaning his head down directly to the cloth as he put his fingers inside his mouth. Index and thumb reaching inside for the long blockage that was just adamant on staying stuck inside his throat. Andrew cried, tears spilling out from his eyes and staining his cheeks. It hurt, it hurt, **_it hurt so fucking bad._ **

As soon as his fingers grabbed a hold of that thing inside of him, he slowly with shaky hands pulled it out. It almost felt smooth if it wasn’t for the fact that it had caused him great pain. He took whatever it was in his hands and placed it on his palm to see for himself.

It was white, a thin long petal looking akin to something he already knows. A flora he’s already familiar with.

“Fuck,” His voice was broken, barely audible as he stared at the lone white petal. Andrew gripped it in his hand, shaking in anger. He was so fucking angry, distraught, and hurt.

“Fuck,” He repeated as he crouched down on the floor and cried, crying against a pool of his blood be damned. Everything was just painful.

“Fuck,”

\-------------------

  
  


The next morning was hell. Between staring down at the white walls of his room or the pool of blood on his jacket, Andrew didn’t really get much sleep nor anything done at all. He sat on the floor, numb and in pain. He kept in his hand the lone petal of a lily. He was getting worse by the day and instead of love, Andrew felt nothing but betrayal.

But that was not right. It wasn’t really betrayal that haunted him. It was love. He still loves. He loves and loves Steven so much that it’s so painful. He almost wishes that the Hanahaki would take him and end this pain.

The few minutes that he did get some sleep, it was the most uncomfortable ever. He stayed on the floor, not wanting to taint the bed with his cruor. Andrew woke up in the morning with a throbbing headache and crusted sanguine on him. He grimaced and shakily tried to get another shirt. Fuck, he hated having to hide and trash his clothes but what else could he do? 

Hesitantly, Andrew opened the door and looked around. Steven was nowhere to be seen and the house seemed eerily quiet. Andrew took tentative steps and was careful around his surroundings, he just wanted to get to the bathroom and do his business. As he walked, a lone note in the living room caught his eye. He checked the letter and felt agony swallow him whole once again.

_‘I’m sorry about last night and not being able to drive you to the airport. I need to get to the office early. Have a safe flight.’_

He took the note in his hand, smiling bitterly. “Just stab me in the heart already, will you Steven?”

\-----------------------------------------------

Radio silence.

A month of no communication between the two of them. Andrew tried his best to not feel offended nor angry with Steven. He tried and tried so hard. As soon as he came back to L.A., he reported to his doctor’s appointment and immediately asked for a test on how bad his Hanahaki was. 

Stage 3.

Andrew had never cried so hard inside a doctor’s office before.

 _‘I’m dying, I’m dying,’_ He thought to himself as rivulets of tears streamed down his cheeks. It had hurt so bad and he was having a horrible headache, everything was happening too fast and Andrew was having a hard time comprehending everything. He was still young, he still had lots of things he wanted to do, and there were so many things he hadn’t experienced yet and all the things he had planned to do with Steven.

 _‘Steven,’_ The name crossed his mind and Andrew couldn’t tell anymore if he was laughing or crying in the doctor’s office.

He loves him. He loves him so much and it was killing him. 

He wants to hate, wants to shout, he wants to make a mess out of everything, and destroy everything. Andrew wanted something that wasn’t the pain that he felt in his heart.

He wanted to be fucking loved by Steven Lim so much that that greed was enough to consume and kill him.

Andrew was so tired of begging for Steven to love him back, but like a fool, he keeps coming back because that’s how much he loves him. His love was enough to drown both him and Steven together.

The struggle to inform his work was a mess. When Andrew had gotten his results, he felt like he just wanted to isolate himself and shut the entire world out. He wanted to close everyone off, to wallow in pain, hatred, and self-pity. He was becoming merely a shell of the person he once used to be.

He comes to work, does his edits, barely talks to anyone, then comes back home to drink his sorrows away. Some days it was alright, others were torture.

It was a lost cause anyway. Stage 3 Hanahaki with him not knowing how long he had and at any time next month, week, or even today it could easily escalate up to stage 4? Andrew was a dead man already.

On good days, He would only cough, barely even having any blood in there. Those were what Andrew considered good days… On the bad days though, that was the day HR found out about his Hanahaki. He had to file an early leave with his doctor’s note. The HR manager looked at his note, read it for a moment until he saw her expression’s change to one of pity.

 _“Oh,”_ She said to him and silently accepted his file.

He hated how he was pitied, made him feel ashamed of having a disease that wasn’t even his fault in the first place. It was like adding insult to injury.

He just wanted peace.

And then came the _horrible days._ They never really came until the mark of his second month with Hanahaki. There was a bucket close to his bed, his bathroom sink looking both like a murder site and a funeral with the amount of blood and floras inside. His living room had petals of lilies scattered about, and even his own kitchen had bouquets of them in morbid display now. 

His chest would feel like it would painfully expand, growing and growing until it could break his rib cage. Shatter his body into a million pieces. The blond could feel the lily vines inside of him, slithering to different parts inside of him, feeding on the heartache, feeding on the love that he could never give. A good portion of them would travel up his throat, scratching painfully at the membranes, leaving his esophagus scarred and Andrew putting trembling fingers inside his mouth so that he could pluck them out painfully.

Sometimes it was easy, most of the time it was hard. The lilies would leave his throat with traces of liquid red from him.

Everywhere he looked there were lilies… On those days, Andrew cried and drank (if he can) until he passed out from the pain of it all.

“Andrew,” A voice called out to him and Andrew groaned. He shifted in his position, the floor far too hard for him to sleep on properly. But he had a hangover and he just wanted to be left alone. “Andrew,” Somebody was shaking him and that voice sounded so familiar.

It was annoying.

Andrew slapped the hand away from him and tried to get back to sleep. “Andrew, wake up.” The voice was more stern now and Andrew opened his eyes, glaring at Adam.

“What do you want.” Andrew’s voice was hoarse.

“You shouldn’t sleep on the floor,” Adam said as he tried to help the blond up and Andrew begrudgingly complied. His sleep was ruined anyway, so he might as well try to do something productive for the day. He stood up with Adam’s help and they both sat down at his couch.

“I’ll get you some water,” Adam said and Andrew was far too groggy to properly comprehend everything. He sat at his couch, watching his surroundings. It was the same, buckets, lilies, and blood on the floor.

This was slowly becoming his every day.

A glass of water was given to him and Andrew took it. Adam sat beside him on the couch again. A silence stretched out between the two of them.

Adam broke the silence first.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” He inquired in a soft voice.

“Why should I?” His voice was laced with venom, snorting a little. “Would it have changed anything?”

“No, but I at least would’ve wanted to help you out,” Adam answered back, he was fiddling with his own fingers out of nervousness. “Does Steven know?”

Andrew laughed, god how much he both hated and loved that name so much.

“He doesn’t,” Adam concludes. “We should tell him, he’s coming next week for a shoot.”

“Why? So we can cancel shooting Worth it?” Andrew replies back defensive, glaring at Adam. “You think I can’t do it anymore?”

“I didn’t say that,” Adam tells him, voice firm with no ounce of a lie in them. “But in your state, you should take care of your health first.”

Andrew feels water on his eyes and he rubs his face with the palm of his hand. “It’s fine, I’m good.” His voice was breaking. “God, what time is it? I need to take my medicine.”

“It’s three in the afternoon, Andrew.”

“Shit, I’m late.” He stands up with his glass of water and goes to his kitchen to fetch his medicine. Adam tails behind him, watching silently. As Andrew was taking his pills, Adam asked him the dreaded question.

“Is it Steven?” There was no context to it, no indication what could have been Steven. But Andrew looks at Adam and he knows, he knows what Adam is asking from him.

He trembles, putting his glass of water down. Andrew stares at his drink and feels himself become numb. “ Yeah,”

“Fuck,” Adam curses, and Andrew laughs at that.

“I know right?” He agrees. “Fuck.”

Adam helps him clean up, initially, the brunet had come to his house because Andrew had apparently invited him earlier this week. They were supposed to double-check their locations for their Worth it shoots and Andrew had apparently forgotten about it. As soon as the lilies were taken to the trash, his floors cleaned, and vomit buckets cleaned Adam asked him again.

“Did you know that Steven broke up with his girlfriend?”

Andrew perked up at those words. “He what?”

“Steven. He broke up with his girlfriend a month ago.” Adam explained again carefully. “I found out that it was only after a few days when you left.”

There it is again. The flicker of hope. That damn flicker of hope that Andrew has been holding on for so long that was probably the only reason he wasn’t dead right now.

“You weren’t the same after you came back,” Adam tells him and Andrew looks away. “You can fool Annie, Rie, and hell, even our viewers but you can’t fool me.”

“He won’t…” Andrew starts and he suddenly feels so tired. He sits himself back on his couch. “He said that he can’t.”

“Can’t?” Adam arches up a brow in confusion. “Can’t what? So, he didn’t say he doesn’t love you back?”

Andrew winces at Adam’s choice of words. “There was no love mentioned,” Andrew remembers that time vividly, etched and engraved deep into his mind, the scene playing over and over again as though it were a movie carved into the retina of his eyes. 

“He said it was a sin to love another guy,” Andrew told him and he rested both of his arms on his thighs, crouching down as he spaced out.

“Fucking hell Steven,” Adam groaned and cursed.

“But, he said…” Andrew continued and he felt Adam sit beside him. “He said I wasn’t a sinner.” The blond clasped both of his hands together and rested his head on them. “But, he was and I’m so fucking confused.”

Adam rested a hand on Andrew’s back, rubbing gently against it in hopes of somehow comforting his friend.

\--------------------------------------------------

The next week came and Andrew was a nervous wreck. He hadn’t talked to Steven in two months. After that fateful night back in New York, Andrew was too preoccupied with his own demons to even try and communicate with Steven.

But what hurts the most? Steven didn’t even try as well.

What was the point of it all if Andrew was the only one who was hopeful.

He had come to the office earlier than usual, trying to work on everything and anything. Whatever he could get his hands on, as long as it distracted Andrew from the coming mess. His eyes were glued to his screen, yet no matter how hard he tried to focus, his mind was still always picking up on things that concerned Steven.

“Steven!” Somebody called out and it took all of Andrew’s willpower to not look behind him.

“Dude! What happened to you? You look like shit!” It was Ryan’s voice and Andrew had half the mind to be offended by Ryan’s choice of words.

A laugh. A nervous laugh.

Andrew had missed that laugh so much.

“Yeah, it’s the acidity.” He heard Steven’s voice and Andrew couldn’t take it anymore. He turned around and found Steven standing there with a couple of people circling around him. At that moment, Steven looked at him as well and their eyes met.

He looked pale and thin. 

There was a thin forced smile on Steven’s lips as he met eyes with Andrew. There was nothing he wanted more in this world than to have Steven in his arms. 

“Is it that bad?” Shane asked and their moment was broken. Andrew turned around, but this time he was ignoring his work and now eavesdropping on the loud conversations in the office.

“Kinda,” Steven scratched the back of his neck. “The doctor just said that I should keep an eye on what I eat.”

“Oh wow, you need someone to cover for you on Worth it?” Ryan asks and then shouts to Andrew. “Hey, Andrew! If Steven can’t make it don’t worry! Me and Shane are still here!” He jokes.

There was a roar of laughter and when Andrew only answered by raising up his middle finger, the laugher got louder.

They were in a meeting room now, all three of them. Adam and Andrew had shown the files to Steven so he could double-check it. There were a couple of restaurants that they needed to choose and finalize before they shoot. There was a heavy atmosphere between them, mostly between Andrew and Steven.

“It’s been a while since we’ve had food with gold toppings on it,” Adam said as he pointed to one restaurant. “And the reviews are also mostly good. I think we can go with this one.”

“Yeah, I’m good with it,” Andrew answered back before looking at the silveret. “Steven?”

“Oh, uh, yeah,” Steven answered, too obvious that he was spacing out. “Yeah, I think that one’s good.”

“You okay?” Adam inquired, worried. It’s only been a couple of months since he last saw Steven and there was a drastic change to him. His eyes are a bit sunken, eyebags darker, he’d gotten thinner, and paler. He looks worse than Andrew and the blond was going through stage 3 of Hanahaki.

“Yeah, sorry, I just…” Steven stopped, then turned away. He looked like he was in pain.

The silveret took in a deep breath, trying to calm himself down. The duo gave Steven a couple of seconds to himself, both growing increasingly worried by the second. “Sorry, it’s my stomach.”

“Did you get that checked out by your doctor?” Andrew asked, unable to stop himself from being too soft on the silveret.

“I…” Steven started as he looked at Andrew. “I did… I just need to be careful with what I eat.”

“You should’ve told us sooner, we could’ve double-checked with you.” Adam scolded Steven.

“No, these are alright!” Steven said quickly. “They’re oily, yeah, but I can stomach a few meals without vomiting.”

“You’ve been vomiting again?” Andrew said and Steven grew quiet at his slip up.

“We’ll have to talk to HR about this again,” Adam said as he took off his glasses to rub his eyes. “We start filming next week Steven.”

“Yeah, don’t worry about it. I promise I’m good.” The silveret assured his best friends.

“Don’t worry, I’ll double-check for you.” Andrew offered. 

“No, Andrew it’s--” Steven tried but was cut off by the blond.

“It’s fine, really,” Andrew said as he stood up and started to gather the files. “You have your other projects to produce. I’m pretty much finished with Tasty already, so I have some time to spare.” 

“I’m sorry,” Steven said and it felt like he was apologizing for something else.

Andrew laid a hand on his shoulder. “It’s alright.”

\----------------------------------

It’s getting harder and harder to avoid Steven, but what else can Andrew do? It hurts to be away from him, yet it also **_hurts_** to be so close to him yet not the way he wants. There’s tension between them, Andrew wasn’t dumb to not catch that… Actually, everyone in the office had caught up on it. Their murmurs and stares were far too evident that it had pissed the blond off. It was hard to finish work in the office when he knew that rumors were starting to circulate.

Bad or good? Andrew didn’t care.

He just needed to get out of there.

He started to head home but decided to take a quick detour in grabbing take out dinner first. There was a good Thai restaurant that Andrew had been frequenting recently, it had only newly opened and the best part of it was that it was along his way home. The atmosphere was nice, homely, and friendly, something that Andrew was quite desperate to feel at the moment. He waited by the counter, waiting for his order to be delivered to him when he heard a familiar voice.

“Their spicy rice is my favorite, will you buy it for me please?” It was her unmistakable voice.

Andrew felt himself grow cold suddenly. _‘Not now please,’_ He pleaded internally.

“Yeah? Will you give me a kiss if I buy it for you?” That wasn’t Steven’s voice.

A puzzled look passed over Andrew’s face and when he felt the couple come over to the counter as well, he glanced at them.

Steven’s girlfriend…

 _‘Ex-girlfriend,’_ He heard Adam’s voice suffice in his head.

“Andrew!” She said surprised, flinching away as soon as she noticed him. “I didn’t know,” She started, looking at him then to her apparently new boyfriend.

“Hey,” Andrew greeted, he eyes Steven’s ex-girlfriend and her new lover. “Getting dinner?” He asked, trying to keep it casual but he knows that it’s too hard to break the ice now.

“Yes,” She answers meekly, seemingly embarrassed now to look him in the eyes.

“Hey, I’m Mike. Nice to meet you.” The guy introduced himself as he stretches out a hand to Andrew.

The blond takes the hand, shaking it only for a second. “Andrew.” He replies back before looking at the other. “Your boyfriend?”

“Yes,” Mike answers as he wraps a hand around her, pulling her close. “Her boyfriend.”

Andrew nods and suddenly a bell rings calling out his name. “That’s mine, I’ll see you guys around,” Andrew says as he takes his food then quickly exits the restaurant so as to not further the awkward conversation. 

Andrew commutes home, staring out into space. He didn’t know what to do with that new kind of information. It felt as though his commute went by in a flash, one moment he was taking the train, next he was already pulling out his key for his apartment.

He sat down at his dining room, his bag full of food in front of him and he barely even touched it to prepare to eat.

In the end, Andrew fishes out his phone from his pocket and texted Adam.

 **_‘Did Steven ever tell you why he and Ying broke up?’_ ** He inquired, now too curious… And quite frankly? Mad.

It felt like hours when it was only barely less than five minutes before Adam replied back to him. **_‘He did and it wasn’t exactly good…’_ **

Andrew’s features frowned as typed another reply. **_‘I’m being nosy, but can you tell me?’_ ** He tried first, hoping Adam would tell him.

**_‘I’m not sure if I should be the one to tell you that.’_ **

**_‘I want to help you, but Steven…’_ **

Adam continued typing and Andrew decided to beat him to it. **_‘I met her earlier. She already has a new boyfriend.’_ **

He saw Adam’s icon stop typing and Andrew could feel himself palpitate with anxiety.

 **_‘That’s not her new boyfriend.’_ **The reply was simple and clear, yet Andrew was still confused by it.

**_‘She already had a boyfriend before she got together with Steven. She broke up with him because she felt bad for leading him on.’_ **

A new wave of anger came to Andrew and he didn’t know whether he wanted to throw his phone against the wall or flips the tables and trash his entire dining room. But, in the end, he stayed seated, staring at his phone and taking in the fact that Steven… His Steven…

Fuck, he should’ve been there for Steven.

\--------------------------------

Steven was currently at Ryan’s place. The two of them plus Shane were currently discussing their next move for their Watcher project. They were going to launch it soon, so they needed to finalize the last touches of it before the release.

Steven had brought his matcha latte with him and tried to listen to Shane and Ryan throw out ideas and work on everything. He was barely even contributing anything right now, he _vaguely_ even knows what they’re talking about at this point.

“Hey,” Ryan puts a hand on Steven’s shoulder, getting the silveret’s attention. “You okay?”

“You’ve been spaced out the entire time Steve-O,” Shane said, his voice laced with worry. “You okay?”

“Yeah, sorry guys,” Steven tells them as he takes another sip at his latte. He frowns, holding his stomach as he feels it grumble upset.

“I seem to remember that you _shouldn’t_ be drinking too much matcha.” Ryan pointed out, giving Steven a scolding look.

“It’s just for today,” Steven tells them and his grip on his stomach tightens. “Just for…” He stops and looks down, seemingly curling up in pain.

“Steven, hey,” Ryan now lightly shook Steven, growing more concerned by the second. “Is it your stomach? Do you need your medicine?” He said while Shane immediately went to check on Steven’s backpack to find said medicine.

“Sorry, I--” And Steven suddenly stands up, running off to the bathroom. He felt it, that sick feeling of acidity gnawing at him. It was a disgusting thing that crawled up from the pits of his stomach, scratching and wounding everything in its way. It travels to his chest, leaving an aching heartburn that feels as though it was burning the silveret’s insides.

He makes it to the bathroom, not even bothering to open the lights as he felt the vile taste of bile scattering about inside his mouth. He was lucky enough to hold it in until he was face deep inside the toilet. There vomit coming out from both his mouth and nose and everything hurts. His entire body quivers at the force, his body heaving out the toxic elements that want to escape him.

Steven’s eyes water and he can barely breathe, but he needs to let it out.

 _‘Get out, get out,_ **_GET OUT!_ ** _’_ Were the only words that ran rampant in his mind. It hurts, it hurts, it hurts.

There’s nothing but the pain, his stomach aching nonstop. He forcefully blows out his nose, feeling himself hyperventilate from not being able to breathe. It felt like everything was closing in on him and Steven had to grip onto the toilet bowl for support. Steven let out a scream, willing for the spew to just empty themselves out of him already.

 _‘Please, please please,’_ He pleaded and he cried into the toilet, body going slack with a weakness that he had to be held up by Ryan.

“Come on, buddy.” Ryan's voice said to him as he gripped hard onto Steven, making sure he wouldn’t fall face flat into his vomit. “Just let it out man, just let it out.”

\--------------------------------------------------

He was dizzy and the entire world felt as though it was going around in circles in front of him. Yet, Steven forced himself to be of a coherent mind. He forced himself to wash up and get ready for work. It wasn’t helping him that in three days they would start shooting Worth it again and here he was, looking like if he were to so much as go near food, he would puke at the very sight of it.

Steven just wanted to go home and curl up in bed, wallowing in pain.

He started the day by trying to get some food into his system, he barely ate anything yesterday and he was adamant about getting some form of nutrition in him. He took an apple from his fridge and Gatorade. He took one bite at the apple and it was a task itself to even chew it to small pieces that he could swallow…. The swallowing part was the hardest. His throat itself was closing and unwilling to let him take it in. 

_‘One bite is good enough,’_ Steven mused. It was better than nothing.

He packed the barely eaten apple then continued to drink his Gatorade. Even with Gatorade, his stomach felt like it was churning against it as well.

He came back to the office to direct and produce his other projects. It felt as though he was waving through the entire day in a muddy, blurry dream. Like he would space out and come back a second later with him having skipped a couple of hours… But those hours were only minutes, yet it felt like those minutes he had missed were all the important context in work.

He was not going to survive this day.

Yet, by some miracle, it seemed as though he had survived it… Most of it.

The last thing Steven needed to do for today was meet up with Andrew so that they could plan for their videos. There was the script, the time coordinations, the food facts that they needed to do for the filming, and so much more. Steven felt his head spin once again. He entered the meeting room he and Andrew decided to meet upon.

“Hey,” Steven greeted the blond who was currently going through his files.

Andrew looked at him and Steven felt his heartbreak again. “Hey,” The blond answered back and concern passes through Andrew’s face as he gazes at Steven properly. “You look like you’re going to pass out,” Andrew said as he stood up from his seat and came to Steven.

The silveret flinched as soon as Andrew touched him. He wanted his touch, but it still felt wrong. Everything felt wrong even when it was right, it confused Steven so much that his brain was always having a meltdown whenever he was in the same room as Andrew.

“Sorry,” Steven apologized again, he felt like he’s been doing that a lot recently, especially around Andrew. “I just don’t want to be touched.”

There was a shattered look on Andrew’s face and Steven saw him retract his hand. Steven wanted to hold him, wanted so much to hold his hand. He wants to reach out and touch Andrew, feel his skin against his own, and --

No.

He shook those thoughts away.

He wasn’t like that. 

Never like that.

Steven would never forgive himself for that.

“Okay,” Andrew’s voice grew small as he turned around to get back to their table.

“I’m sorry,” Steven apologized again.

“You keep apologizing,” There’s an exasperated tone in his words, as though he was growing sick and mad at Steven. The silveret cowered. “I don’t know what you’re apologizing for.”

This felt like New York all over again, but different in a way that his feelings were amplified and now Andrew was hurt. He had hurt Andrew and he keeps hurting him. He can see it in his eyes, in his face, in his entire demeanor. He tries to be civil around Steven, but Steven knows that it’s all just an act at this point. 

He just wants everything to go back to the way it was.

“I’m sorry,” Steven says again, this time for confusing Andrew.

“Stop saying that!” Andrew suddenly shouts at him and Steven looks up at him in shock. “Stop saying you’re sorry!”

The silveret’s mouth opens to respond, yet nothing comes out. He doesn’t know what to say, doesn't know what to do. What should one do in this situation? Andrew is angry and Steven doesn’t know how to remedy it.

“Is it really that bad?” Andrew tells him and Steven is more confused than he was earlier. 

“What are you talking about?” He inquired, flummoxed by the question.

“What am I talking about?” Andrew copies his words and laughs. “Now he acts like he doesn’t know shit.” He says with ire and Steven can feel himself get offended.

“You’re not making any sense Andrew,” Steven tells him and he raises his voice a little, standing firm on his ground. “Let’s just get this over with and--”

“Oh, so you just want to ignore it now, huh?” Andrew tells him and he steps close to Steven. He doesn’t know where he got his courage from, but Steven straightens up to stand taller than the blond. “Just like New York?”

He feels himself snap and Steven glares at him. “This is nothing like New York Andrew. If you want me to apologize for what I said before, then I’m sorry-”

“God! I told you to stop apologizing!” Andrew shouts at him angry and Steven feels his own blood start to boil.

“Then what do you want me to do?!” Steven shouts back, unable to control his own emotions.

“I want you to stop pushing me away!” Andrew shouts at him and Steven stills.

Andrew is panting heavily and he suddenly looks so vulnerable. The silveret’s eyes widen, like a deer caught in headlights… He wants to run away.

Steven takes a step back, his arms blocking him from Andrew. “I… I’m not.” He stammers. “I never pushed you away.”

Andrew laughs in disbelief, shaking his head. “Unbelievable.” He covers his mouth with the palm of his hand, disappointed. “You’re fucking unbelievable.”

Steven wets his lower lip and clenches his fist. “Andrew we’re not doing this today,” He’s firm on his decision. He doesn’t want to cause a scene in their office and he definitely does not want to have a fight with Andrew of all people.

“Then when? When I’m dead?” Andrew slips up and he laughs. 

“I’m not joking Andrew,” Steven tells him. “We’re going to sit on the chair and act like nothing-”

“I love you.” 

…

His words silenced everything in the room and it felt as though it was only the two of them in the world. Steven’s ears ringed with Andrew’s voice. The words that left his lips, words that he never wanted to hear, words that never should have been spoken… Words that Steven wished never existed between them.

“Take that back,” Steven said in a monotonous voice, his face emotionless as he stared at Andrew. 

“I love you,” Andrew said again and he smiled sadly with tears in his eyes as he opened his palms and looked at Steven in defeat. “I love you so much-”

Steven walked to the blond, gripping at his shirt as he pulled his best friend up to him screaming. “Take it back!” He demanded, shaking Andrew as Steven was red-faced with anger. “I said take it back!”

“No,” Andrew said looking at him. “Never.”

“I’m so tired Steven,” Andrew admitted as he raised a hand then gently touched Steven’s cheek. “I love you.”

Something in him snapped, like his entire world went dark. Steven hadn’t even noticed his fist clenching, shaking in ire. It all happened too fast, in a split second, Andrew was being held up by his shirt in Steven’s hands and the next moment, he felt that cold dark rush in him.

It was a cold dark rush, for only a split second.

Steven was breathing loud and heavy, his entire body shaking as his fist was stretched out. His eyes landed on the floor, Andrew lying down on it with a look of stun on him. His lip was cut and the blond was staring looking down unmoving.

Steven blinked.

He blinked again.

Andrew turned and looked at him. His cheek was red and his lip was now bleeding. 

Guilt washed over Steven like a tidal wave, bathing and drowning him in shame and disgust. Disgust for himself.

Andrew smiled as he sat up and looked Steven in the eyes once again. 

“I love you.”

Steven stepped back, suddenly feeling it difficult to breathe. Everything was closing in on him again, it felt like the entire world was looking at him. He felt dirty, felt like the scum of the earth. He stared at Andrew, waiting for him to reply back but Steven’s couldn’t.

Steven can’t.

He can’t look at Andrew in the eyes and -

He ran away. Steven pushed his legs to move, exiting the room and running away through the halls. There were people outside the room, but the silveret could care less about them right now. He ran and ran till his legs gave out, wanting to escape, wanting to get away…

He wanted to run away from everything.

 _‘It’s not real, it’s not real,’_ Steven thought over and over again.

He sprinted like a madman, not knowing where he was going but knowing that anywhere was better than with Andrew. Tears came to his eyes once again and he cried as he escaped. His tears told everything that he could never say, everything that his mind would never allow him, everything that even his own heart tried to deny.

The buildings were familiar and before Steven knew it, he had ended up at the Church of St. Peter. He looked up at the tall structure, the angels and images of god felt as though they were mocking him, reminding him of his mistake, _reminding him of his sins._

A sob escaped Steven once again and rivulets of tears streamed down his face. His body was weak and felt as though he was going to collapse on the ground. Yet, with what little strength he had, the silveret walked inside the church. There was no mass going on, but there were people inside.

There were whispers and murmurs from people as he entered, but all of them be damned.

Steven stared at the image of Jesus, the man he had loved since he was a child, the _God_ he had served and gave his life to. He felt as though he had betrayed and tainted God, turned his back against him, and dirtied himself with blasphemy.

Steven felt like an unredeemable sinner that had no place on Earth.

 _‘I belong in hell.’_ He thought to himself.

His eyes searched the church until they fell on the one place that he knew he needed to be. His legs shakily made their way to the far corner of the church: the confession booth. Nervously, he opened the door and was relieved to find that there was no one inside. Steven entered the small booth, closing the door behind him for some privacy.

“Father?” Steven called out, but there was no one to answer back to him.

He laughed, shaking his head. “Of course,”

“I don’t even deserve a priest to confess to.” He said and laughed bitterly, tear after tear left him and streamed down his cheeks. Steven hiccupped, curling in on himself as he felt stomach pain once again. Everything was painful and Steven closed his eyes, wishing for everything to just ebb away.

“God please,” He pleaded. “I’ve tried to fucking hard,” He cursed because what else could he do? He was already a sinner, already a damned man. 

What else could the damned do but ask for forgiveness?

“I made sure it never happened,” He continued, looking up into the dark ceiling of the booth, hoping that God was listening to him. “I followed everything and did everything I could to be good,” He rocked his body back and forth, feeling small and helpless.

The pain in his body worsened and Steven fell to his knees. He felt feverish and the small room was torment, but he stayed. He stayed because he deserved this. He deserves to be punished for all the wrong things he did.

There was bile moving up from his chest to his throat, yet it felt like it wasn't only bile. It wasn’t just acrid that traveled up in his system this time and Steven cried harder. It hurt, _it hurt,_ **_it hurt._**

It was like vines had expanded themselves in his body and were clawing their way out of him. **_It hurt, it hurt, it hurt._ **

Steven held onto the walls for support, on his knees and begging, _begging for forgiveness._

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” He didn’t know who he was apologizing to, but he needed to apologize. He needed to say how awfully wrong and guilty he was, he wanted to make amends, he wanted the guilt to be washed away.

He wanted to be forgiven.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, _please,_ ” He continued and his entire being shook. 

“Please don’t make me love him,” He pleaded in a small voice, whispering his sorrows to God. “Please don’t make me love him.”

“I don’t love Andrew,” He continued with clenched fists. Snot and tears leaving him as he wailed. He was slowly blacking out, barely even distinguishing his surroundings as Steven knows that the darkness was slowly enveloping him like it had been doing since early this morning.

“Please tell me I don’t love Andrew,” He pleaded one more time before his consciousness gave up on him and Steven was swallowed whole by the darkness.

\-----------------------------------

The next time Steven awoke, he was lying down on a bed. In front of him was a plain white ceiling of a place that was unfamiliar. His body had hurt and his headache was still there. Groggily, Steven looked to his side to try and find some sort of semblance of anything familiar. _‘A hospital,’_ He thought to himself, as he checked one side to see a window with a view of the outside. Steven tried to move and found out that there was a hand holding onto his.

Steven looked to his other side and felt ache grow all over him again, consuming his body whole.

Andrew was beside him, his head resting against the bed as he held Steven’s hand. Another agonizing pain, both his stomach and chest. He wanted to hold and be close to Andrew _‘But, it’s wrong.’_ He said to himself internally.

Ruefully, Steven pulled his hand away from Andrew. The action seemed to have stirred the blond awake. In less than a second, the man groaned and slowly looked up.

“You’re awake!” Andrew was wide-eyed and there was obvious relief in his features. “I… I’ll get the doctor.” He said quickly, pushing on the call button repeatedly for a few times before he placed his attention back to Steven. “How’re you feeling?” He raised a hand to cup Steven’s cheek yet the silveret immediately moved away from it.

Andrew curled his hand then moved it away. “I’m sorry.” The blond apologized this time.

“I…” His voice was hoarse and Steven could barely even speak. 

“Wait,” Andrew moved quickly, looking around the room before he found the water and empty cup. He poured a glass for Steven and helped the silveret drink. Steven, although he wanted to be as far away from Andrew as he can, was weak.

So very very weak. 

Andrew’s the only person in the world who Steven can never truly resist.

He drank from the glass that Andrew held for him, taking in a copious amount of it before moving away. Andrew took the glass away and sat back down on his seat.

“I was worried.” The blond admitted as he looked at Steven. He looked tired and broken. Looking at Steven with a sullen face with his bruised cheek and cut lip.

He felt horrible once again.

Being with Andrew brought nothing but misery but-

But what?

Steven won’t go there.

He won’t allow his thoughts to take another step further into those unclean ideas.

“I’m sorry,” Steven apologized as he raised a hand to Andrew’s face, so close to him, wanting to touch him but knowing he never can. He wanted to soothe the bruises on him, but knows he can never be the one to do so.

It’s not him. It will never be Steven.

Andrew leans into his hand, yet doesn’t touch as well.

So close, yet so far.

“You have nothing to apologize for,” Andrew told him and he was sincere as he said those words to him.

And before Steven could answer him back, a doctor had finally arrived in his room. The duo moved away from each other.

“Good afternoon Mr. Lim.” He started. “I’m Dr. Young, your attending physician. How are you feeling?”

“Bad,” Steven admits, whether it was physically or mentally, that was how he felt.

Dr. Young nods. “That’s to be expected, we have some news about your blood results.”

“Blood results?” Steven asked, confused. “I didn’t ask for those.”

“Yes, well seeing as you are a former patient here and your diagnosis has seemed to grow worse as per your companion here and your doctor from New York.” The man gestured to Andrew, to which the blond almost looked ashamed as Steven glared at him. “We have decided to get a blood test for safety measures.” 

Steven sighed. “What did it say?”

“You have poison in your system.” He informed them, earning shock from Steven and Andrew.

“Poison?!” Steven said out loud, hurting his throat in the process. Andrew held his hand, the action having a calming effect on the silveret.

“Upon examining your blood, we have found a large amount of Steroidal Saponin in your blood. Have you been eating anything poisonous or inadequate recently Mr. Lim?” 

“What do you mean has he been eating anything poisonous or inadequate? Shouldn’t we be calling the police Doctor?” Andrew inquired, his voice a bit high due to anger.

“Yes, well normally when someone is poisoned we would call the authorities.” Dr. Young answered. “But, the peculiar thing about this is that Steroidal Saponin is not poisonous. At least not to humans.”

“What?” Steven spoke up this time, even more, confused than earlier. “Was I poisoned or not Doctor?”

“Steroidal Saponin, usually poisonous to animals, is of no threat to humans.” He explains further. “But with the amount we found in your system, you would have to be drinking either gallons of it or have been drinking it for years. The most people get from them is an upset stomach or gastrointestinal problems, like your acidity.”

“He’s been acidic for years now,” Andrew answered for Steven.

“Yes, that is why we want to ask about his eating habits.” 

“I…” Steven starts and both men stare at him. “I’ve barely been eating.” He admits ashamed. “I can’t eat, it’s been so hard recently.”

“I understand.” Dr. Young tells him. “We would need for you to stay one more day, we need to put you on observation as we wait for your other results.”

“There are other tests?” Andrew asks this time out of puzzlement.

“Due to the findings in his blood result, we have decided to get a second opinion on this. We will hopefully find out more soon. That is all I can say for now, do you have any questions for me?”

“Steven?” Andrew calls out to him.

“No,” Steven answers as he looks to the doctor. “Thank you.”

“Have a nice rest of the day Mr. Lim.” And with that, the doctor leaves the two of them alone in the room again.

Steven felt numb, he stared down at the white linen sheets that covered him and tried to comprehend everything that the doctor had told him.

“Steven,” Andrew calls him, a hand moving to touch him.

“Don’t,” Steven tells him and Andrew stops. “Just don’t,” He sighs and shakes his head, not looking at the blond. “Please leave me for now.”

“I don’t think you should--” Andrew tries but was cut off in surprise by Steven shouting at him. 

“I don’t want your opinion, Andrew! I want you to leave me alone!” The silveret says with clenched fists and tears in his eyes. “I need to be alone, please.” He begs, his voice small, broken, and afraid.

“Okay, okay.” Andrew yields. He moves away from his place, grabbing Steven’s phone that was on a table along with his other items. He places the phone on the bedside table. “Call me if you need anything, okay?” He says as he looks at Steven, yet the silveret can’t even be bothered to glance at his way anymore. “I’ll have my phone’s ring on, call me any time-”

“Good-bye Andrew,” Steven tells him as he stares at his sheets with tears in his face.

Andrew tightens his lips shut. He walks away hurt. “I’ll come to visit you again soon.” He says lastly before walking out of the room.

As soon as Steven heard the door shut he cried harder. His fingers gripped at the sheets below him and he let the tears flow down. 

One problem after another. Steven can’t take any more of this without breaking down.

And again, there was that pain again. That taunting horrible pain that Steven feels. There’s vomit in there and Steven had to quickly get himself off of the bed. He sprinted out of the bed, his legs giving out immediately as the silveret fell down on the floor with a loud thud, his body knocking over the table close to him as his items fell to him in hard harsh pain.

But he can’t think of them right now, can’t think of anything else as he pushes his body up again. The acid was there, foul-tasting in his mouth, liquid toxic on his tongue that it burns. Steven opens the door to the hospital bathroom and quickly makes his way to the toilet. He and the toilet have been acquainted so many times now that it was slowly starting to become his best friend. 

Steven readies himself, it was like a routine now. Immediately, he opens his mouth and all the horrid things inside him come out once again. It’s stomach acid by this time now, there's nothing in him anymore that’s food nor water. Everything that he heaves out by now would have to be his fucking stomach juices.

He screams into the toilet, willing every pain and bile to just leave him alone already.

And then, he spits out blood. He sees red and Steven is more afraid than he was earlier. His mind races and there’s one person in his mind. _‘Andrew,’_ He cried and continued to barf, forcing everything out. _‘Andrew, Andrew, Andrew,’_ His mind suffices and everything is about the blond now. He wants Andrew back, wants Andrew beside him, he wants Andrew to be holding him right now and comforting him like earlier and he wants, _he wants,_ **_he wants._ **

Tears mix with bile and blood. Steven just wants it all to stop and end.

He heaves, forces one more time. There’s something stuck in his throat, something big that it’s choking him. His throat chafes and Steven was spitting out only blood now, but he’s so close. Almost there, almost there, he spits out blood one time before the offensive blockage finally leaves him and he stared down at it and… There was a lone petal floating above the acrid and blood of a mess he made. 

Sorrow. Grief.

Nothing but pure agony and anguish as Steven stared at the petal.

It was white with stripes of red in it.

Steven screams, shouts, and wails into the bathroom as he bawls his eyes out, until the nurses come to him to try and calm him down.

He loves Andrew.

\-------------------------------------------------------------

Steven stares at the white walls of the hospital room. It’s what he’s been doing ever since he saw the white petal that came out of him. In the hours that passed, he coughs and vomits and the hospital had to put a dextrose on him because he was hurling out sustenance more than taking it in. He had grown pale and lost a lot of weight. Steven was becoming merely a shell of the person he once used to be.

The nurses, he felt sorry for them, had to take samples of his vomit and the petal he puked out. He was told that one of his other tests was actually Hanahaki, now they didn’t need the results anymore to confirm it for Steven. They were able to inform him as well that his Hanahaki was at stage 2.

God had finally condemned him to suffer.

Dr. Young had come to his room earlier, with more results and an explanation to his flower petal. It was a carnation apparently, which explained his Steroidal Saponin poison. It all had made sense now, his worsening acidity and why he had been becoming weaker and sicker.

He had Hanahaki for years now, so it was impossible for the Hanahaki to have even been from his ex-girlfriend of only five months. No matter how hard Steven wished it was from her instead.

He could forgive his ex-girlfriend if she was the reason behind this. He could forgive her for everything, for this sickness…

He could forgive himself if she was the reason.

The doctor had explained to him about the flower earlier, but Steven had accidentally tuned out his explanation. Unable to fully grasp everything that was happening to him. It was understandable the doctor told him and instead, gave Steven a piece of paper with the information he needed.

“You will need this.” Dr. Young explained before leaving him.

Steven stared at the paper in his hand, one full of information about his predicament… Especially about his Hanahaki flower.

 _‘_ **_The Striped Red-White Carnation_ ** _: The patient has been rejecting their love towards someone, being in a state of denial. Another could also mean that they cannot be with their loved one, the most common reason is that their person of affection has passed away. These patients are also likely to suffer from gastrointestinal problems as well, as the carnations in their body would contain a large amount of Steroidal Saponins, a kind of poison found within carnations. The latter effect is a rare occurrence.’_

Droplets of tears stained the piece of paper.

_‘The patient has been rejecting their love towards someone, being in a state of denial.’_

That sentence ran itself over and over again in his head and Steven had to look away.

Steven looks up at the white ceiling and asks. “God, why have you forsaken me?”

\---------------------------------------------

Andrew comes back to the hospital the next day. He had asked the doctors yesterday what time Steven would be released and he was informed that it should be around noon today. He came to the front desk, asking the nursing staff first about Steven, something tells him that the possibility of the silveret just hurrying up to leave and not even inform Andrew of his whereabouts would be very plausible.

Was it possible? Very. Steven had been very adamant and _vocal_ even yesterday on how he wants Andrew to leave him alone.

Did it hurt? Of course, it did.

But what else could he do but foolishly come crawling back to Steven.

Adam came with him as support, wanting to check on how his best friend was doing as well.

“Hi, is Steven Lim from room 219 still here?” Andrew inquires. “We’re his friends, checking up on him since I was told he’ll be released today?”

“Name please?” The nurse asks him as she checks through their system.

“Andrew Ilnyckyj and Adam Bianchi,” Andrew tells her.

They waited for a moment, the nurse humming until she found what she was looking for. “Oh yes, Mr. Lim, our Hanahaki patient.” She tells them and the duo felt like that piece of information nearly flew over their heads like a bomb if they weren’t listening closely. “I see in the systems that you’re the emergency contact Mr. Ilnyckyj. The doctors denied his release, so he’s still staying in his room under further observation.” She said with a smile, as though she had not just dropped a bomb on the two of them.

Andrew cleared his throat, trying to regain his composure again. “Thank you.” He said before he and Adam walked to Steven’s room.

“Hanahaki?” Adam said as he walked beside Andrew. “Andrew, what Hanahaki?!” There was anger in Adam’s voice now as he stopped Andrew by grabbing a hold of his arm. “Talk to me, Andrew.”

“I don’t know Adam!” Andrew admitted, just as shocked as the brunet. “They didn’t say anything about a Hanahaki to me yesterday.”

“We should talk to the nurse again,” Adam said as he pulled the blond for them to go back to the front desk.

“Adam, I need to see Steven first,” Andrew said as he pushed Adam’s hand off of him. “Please.”

The brunet sighs, shaking his head as he lets go of Andrew. “Go, talk to him. I’ll talk to the nurse first.” 

Andrew nods and quickly runs off to Steven’s room. He takes the steps and wills his legs to take him to Steven’s room faster. He needs to see the silveret, needs to see Steven with his own eyes and-

He just needs Steven.

By the time Andrew had arrived at Steven’s room, he was high on adrenaline and there was a slight break of sweat on him. He opens the door hastily with a loud thud and his eyes immediately look for Steven. He sees him on the floor, coughing his lungs out much like Andrew does at home. He looked as though he was trying to get to the bathroom but was too weak to get there. Steven looks up, pallid with blood dripping from his lips, and a red-white petal in his hands.

“Andrew, what’re you-” Steven starts but Andrew just went down on his knees on the floor with Steven and hugged him.

“Tell me it’s not true,” He said even when he saw the petal in Steven’s hands already. “I can’t lose you.” He admits as the blond buries his face against the crook of Steven’s neck.

“Please let go of me,” Steven requests as his voice breaks. His hands tremble and grip tight on Andrew’s shirt, a contrast to what he was saying as he cries.

Andrew pulls away and even as he tries to give more space between them, Steven refuses to let go of his shirt. He trembles under Andrew, sniffling and crying his eyes out. 

“Let me see,” Andrew says as he holds onto one of Steven’s hands, the one that holds the petal. Steven weakly lets go of Andrew’s shirt and lets his hand be gently held with two of Andrew’s own. The silveret opens his palm, his hand thick with liquid cruor, and floating on top of it is the striped white-red petal. Andrew takes the petal in his hand and studies it closely.

It looked almost the same, yet different from his own.

“What does it mean?” He had meant to say that in his head but instead blurted it out prematurely to Steven.

The silveret only shook his head, sobbing as he wiped the tears with his blood-stained hands.

“Steven,” Andrew urged him as one hand cupped the other’s cheek to make him look at him. “Please.”

“I can’t,” Steven tells him and it feels like New York all over again. 

Andrew coughs blood onto a tainted jacket he can never use again and Steven cries in his room, only to run to the bathroom moments later to puke the pain out of his system. 

New York and Los Angeles felt like two sides of the same coin now, Steven refusing the two of them once again. And maybe this time, Andrew will come back to his house and take out bouquets of lilies from inside of him while Steven finds himself inside a room with white tiles, the smell and taste of acrid, bile in his mouth, and passing out on the cold floor once again.

Maybe, in the end, that’s how it’s supposed to be for them. Locked alone in a room to let out all the sorrows that hide inside them.

To rot alone in a room filled with their own despair.

“No more Steven, no more.” Andrew pleads as he cups and caresses the silveret’s face with two hands. “Please, no more. I love you, I love you.”

Steven breaks in his hands, like fragile glass that was too vulnerable to even hold. The silveret shakes his head, dissolving into tears. “I can’t, I can’t,” He repeats over and over again to the blond.

He wants to say it. He wants to tell Andrew all the things that have been kept and locked inside his heart. He wants to say those words and hold the blond in his arms and never let him go, but he can’t. He can’t, _he can’t,_ **_he can’t._ **

Everything in him fought against the only person who made him happy.

The only person who Steven wants in the whole entire world.

And he shatters at the thought- _at the fact_ that he can never have Andrew that way.

Not because Andrew doesn’t want him.

Not because his family doesn’t want him.

Not because the world doesn’t want him.

Not because _God_ doesn’t want him.

But because Steven can’t and that very thing is _destroying_ him.

“You can,” Andrew tells him and Steven wants to trust, wants to hope, wants to _believe_ in Andrew so much. He wants to listen and follow Andrew. He wants to hold his hand and kiss him, to know that _everything_ will be alright in the end.

He wants it so badly to be so that it feels like it’s killing him already.

“I can’t-” He starts again and Andrew rests his forehead against him.

He watches Andrew break down and cry with him, feels him tremble alongside him, and talks in the most pained and hoarse voice that he has ever heard from him.

So broke, so tired, and just begging.

“You can, I promise you can.” Andrew pleads with closed eyes as he leans against Steven. “You can. I’ll be with you the entire step of the way and I promise you. We can, together.” Andrew’s right-hand falls from his face and there’s shuffling as the blond tried to grab something in his pocket.

He pulls out a bottle of pills and shows it to Steven. It’s his Hanahaki pills.

Steven looks up at Andrew. “I promise,” He holds Steven’s hand and together they grip the pill bottle in their hands. “We can,” Andrew says as he looks straight into Steven’s eyes, willing him to believe in him. “We can.”

\----------------------------------------------------

A week after the incident at the hospital, Steven was finally allowed to leave. 

Adam and the doctors had to pry Steven and Andrew away from each other. The silveret had ended up vomiting blood after the whole fiasco. It was hard to accept at first-scratch that, it was still hard to accept till now. Steven had remembered reaching out to Andrew when they were separated but he still felt sick, still felt horrible, felt like he was the scum of the earth, and a sinner.

But he tried. 

He tried so hard and forced himself to believe.

Because in the end, Steven wanted nothing more, than to believe he can be with Andrew.

A few days after that fateful meeting with Andrew and his health had steadily gotten better. Although he still coughed and vomited blood and carnations, there was still a vast improvement in his health. Their shoot was canceled and rescheduled till both co-hosts would get better. Apparently, not a lot of people knew about Andrew having Hanahaki as well and that fact made Steven’s chest sting. He gripped at his chest, shirt nearly crumpling awkwardly at his hold.

 _‘If only I was strong enough,’_ Steven tells himself.

But there was no use crying over spilled milk. What was done cannot be undone, and past mistakes cannot be taken back. The best he-no, _they_ can do for now was move forward.

Steven stood in front of the Church of St. Peter once again, the one he and Andrew had first attended their mass together. For some odd reason, Steven felt drawn to it, always found himself coming back to this place. He walked inside the church, taking in his surroundings. It felt vastly different than the last time he was inside.

Steven found himself staring back at the statue of Jesus Christ in the front center of the church.

 _‘Will you condemn me to hell for loving him?’_ He thought to himself even when he knew that this was not the teachings of the church. 

That they do not teach hatred nor damnation, but love and acceptance. Steven knows this, knows that his religion was not corrupt and baneful. That even in the beginning, God himself had taught them to love everyone.

 _‘Yet why?’_ Steven asks. _‘Why till now I’m still led to believe that it’s a sin?’_ He prayed silently as he stared at Jesus Christ. 

Steven shakes his head and heads to the confession booth, he might as well since he was already here. There was no line for the booth as he tentatively knocked at the door first in case there was someone else confessing inside.

“Come in,” A voice tells him and Steven’s pretty much shocked that there was a priest inside.

Steven opens the door and sits himself inside.

“Tell me your sins, my child.” The priest asks.

“Forgive me father, for I have sinned,” Steven tells him and there’s a string of silence as the silveret tries to gather his thoughts for a moment. “I’ve lied and become a burden to many people that I love.” 

The priest hums and he can see his silhouette nod in understanding.

“I have been an ungrateful son recently, putting pressure and pain on my parents. I worried them almost to death and made my family cry.” He says as he remembers his sibling slapping him on the cheek demanding why he never called them, then the phone call from his mother and father shouting and scolding him.

He cried and asked for their forgiveness, but in the end, they told him that they just wanted him to be safe and happy.

“Because of my backward thinking and selfish actions, I’ve hurt so many people.” He says with a sigh. “In an attempt to be a good Catholic, I’ve hurt those I love.”

“We are never perfect people,” The priest starts. “We are only human. We make mistakes and learn to be better. That is our way of life, we can never prevent ourselves from hurting others, even if they are our loved ones. It is not a sin to be human, but sin is something that we humans must strive to avoid or rise above from.” He explains. “It is our heritage, what we have inherited from Adam and Eve when they were banished from paradise.”

Steven swallows and asks in a small frightful voice. “Is it a sin to love father?”

“My child,” The priest looks at him through the silhouette window. “It is never a sin to love.”

“Even if I was a man who loved another man?” He inquired in a broken voice. “Is it a sin to love him, father?”

 _‘Is it a sin to love Andrew.’_ He confessed silently, wordlessly.

He hears the priest’s chair creak and the man leans in close to the window. “Never.” He tells him again and Steven feels tears run down his cheeks, softly and gently, like the pain of the past ebbing away as they flow through his cries. He sniffles and the priest continues. “Never think that loving another, no matter who they are, is a sin. That is the greatest gift God has ever given us, love.”

“Sometimes,” The priest adds. “We are taught wrong things in the past, that there is a kind of love that will deliver us to darkness. And we take those teachings to heart that it almost becomes a part of us. But my child, the good thing about being human is that Jesus also taught us to grow and be better. God would never deny you love nor would they forsake you of it.”

“Thank you father,” Steven says and cries harder. “Thank you.”

“Is there anything more my child?” He asks.

“That’s all.” 

“Alright, pray three Hail Mary’s, three Our Father’s, and the Apostles Creed.” The priest tells him before shutting the window close and giving Steven some privacy.

He feels as though the confession had washed him clean of all the vile thoughts and taint that stained him.

Steven walks out of the church looking like he was fresh out of crying. He had wiped his face of any residual tears, but his eyes were red and slightly puffy, his hair as well a tousled mess. As the silveret takes a step outside, he sees Andrew waiting for him, hands in his pockets, and looking at Steven.

He looks as though he had been waiting there the entire time and Steven was only now noticing.

“Hey, how did you know I was here?” Steven inquires as he comes face to face with Andrew.

“I didn’t,” Andrew answers him honestly, looking up at the silveret. “I just wanted to come here and found you.” 

Steven’s heart swells and he has to reach both of his hands out to Andrew. The blond takes his hands and holds them tight.

“Are you alright?” Andrew inquired worried, always worried about him and it makes Steven feel happy yet guilty at the same time. 

How could this love be a sin when it was the purest form of love that he had ever felt.

Steven laughs and shakes his head. “I’m good,” He tells Andrew and another wave of tears come to his eyes. “I’m good.”

He loves this man so much, but he can’t say it right now.

Not right now.

But soon.

Soon he’ll be strong enough to tell Andrew all the words that are locked up in both his heart and mind. Soon he’ll be his honest and truest self to Andrew and all the pain will fleet away with the wind.

Steven looks Andrew in the eyes _‘The man I love.’_ he whispers internally and leans in close. “I’m scared.” He tells him instead and Andrew holds his hands tighter. “I…” He starts and it’s so hard to say all the words he wants to say.

“Yes?” Andrew patiently waits for him.

Waits for him like all the years they’ve both waited for each other.

“I...” Steven starts again and tries to gather all the strength in his body. “I want to kiss you,” He says and he lets out a breath of relief, finally able to utter the words. He holds onto Andrew, feeling the warmth and comfort of his hands and very his presence itself. “Please Andrew-”

And Andrew’s lips pressed against his. 

Steven closes his eyes and leans into the blond. It was a soft touch of lips, both of their lips were slightly chapped, but it was still there, it was comforting and it felt like home.

It felt like Steven had finally found his place in the world and that place was right beside Andrew.

Steven leaned their foreheads together and tears kept on spilling from his eyes, but not from sadness anymore. 

They were now tears of joy.

Andrew laughed and rested his forehead against Steven as well as he held him close. 

It was like everything in the world has finally clicked into place and the being in each other’s arms was the right thing all along.

  
  
  


**_6 months later_ **

  
  
  


Andrew holds a box in his arms and takes it out from the moving truck. There were still a couple of them inside, but most of the heavy stuff had been taken upstairs by the movers already. The small ones that could be carried by one person were the ones that Andrew occupied himself with.

After staying in New York for a year, Steven had decided to finally move back to Los Angeles. He finished whatever work he had started there and was now back in their city where he said he feels at home.

“Andrew, Adam got us ice creams!” Steven called out to him as he stood by the entrance of his house. The silveret waved his hand with said ice creams in them. The blond grinned, quickly making his way to his boyfriend and best friend. “Here you go, chocolate for you,” Steven said as he handed the fish-shaped ice cream. “And strawberry for me.”

Andrew opens the packet and quickly munches on his fish. He hummed in delight, the sweet pastry making him feel cool after working hard. They watched the movers take the last remaining boxes into Steven’s new house, thanking them for their own hard work before they left.

“Oh, look at the time,” Adam says as he checks his wristwatch. “Sorry guys, have a meeting to get to.” The brunet explains off before devouring the last bits of his ice cream.

“Oh, is it a date?” Steven says teasingly.

“Secret,” Adam says with a wink while he arranges his belongings, getting ready to leave. “I’ll text you guys later.”

“Don’t forget to send me your video files later!” Andrew reminds the other to which Adam only answers with a thumbs up as he runs off. 

“Bye Adam! Thanks again for helping!” Steven shouts out his good-bye before turning back to Andrew. He smiles and Andrew can’t help but feel like the luckiest man on Earth. “So, take out for dinner?”

Andrew laughs. “Yeah right, as if I’d let you eat take out on your first night at your new house.” He says before taking another bite as his ice cream. “As soon as we’re done eating, we’ll get to fixing up your kitchen first.”

“You’ll cook for me?” Steven inquires ecstatically.

“Of course, can’t let that sensitive stomach of yours get upset now, can I?” He teases as the blond playfully rubs at Steven’s belly.

“Stop, stop,” Steven chuckles as he moves away from Andrew, he was very ticklish and his lover knew this. “So, does that mean I’m going to be your co-chef today?” 

The blond snorts. “As if, you’re still my dish bucket boy.” He says before biting down on his ice cream again.

“Aw, come on! I’m getting better at cooking already!” Steven whined with a pout.

Andrew was about to tease him again when suddenly, he felt Steven’s thumb at the side of his lips. Andrew’s eyes followed the hand, watching Steven rub gently at his face.

“You have ice cream on your lips,” Steven said as he chortled before licking at the cream on his thumb. “You’re a messy eater Andrew.”

The blond rolls his eyes at Steven’s accusation. “Yeah, coming from you.” He says before eating the last bite of his food. “I probably get it from you. Steven Lim’s habits are rubbing off on me and they’re all bad habits sadly.” He jokes.

Steven laughs beside him and Andrew can’t help but laugh alongside him. He watches his boyfriend, the smile on his lips, the way his eyes light up like they used to before, and just his overall demeanor looked magnificently beautiful.

There was something about Steven that kept drawing Andrew in, his very person, his very _soul_ was beautiful to him.

There’d never be anyone in this world that Andrew would love more than Steven.

Steven stops and looks at him as well, the silveret chuckles. “What’re you looking at?” He inquires as he rubs at his cheeks, almost looking embarrassed. “Is there ice cream on me too?”

Andrew was about to tease him again, but something in him just felt too soft and happy right now. “You’re beautiful,” Andrew says instead and Steven smiles at him fondly.

This was heaven on earth and Andrew had finally found his small piece of paradise, which was loving Steven Lim.

“I love you,” Andrew adds because it felt just right.

Steven looks at him, a tenderness adorning his features. 

“I love you too Andrew,” He tells him softly as though he was whispering a confession.

The words caught him off guard and Andrew was at a loss for words. The blond blinked a few times and stared at the silveret. “Steven…” 

“I love you,” Steven repeated and cupped Andrew's cheek in his hand. “I’m sorry for taking so long to tell you.”

Andrew shakes his head and holds Steven’s hand that was on his cheek. “There’s nothing to apologize for.” He tells him honestly. “I’ve always known.”

The silveret smiles and leans in, sealing the words with a kiss.


	2. And the world is our garden, bearing the fruits of our love

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So tbh, this chapter was just self-indulgent smut lmaooo I wanted to write about Steven and Andrew's first time together and I was def not writing it without some requirements and such, hence why I think the chapter got a lil longer lol
> 
> Also, in my opinion, this is like, the most tenderest, gentlest, just downright loving sex scene/smut I have ever written in my life at this moment that I felt like I was blacking out every time I tried to write it lmao but then again, I wrote this while I was on my period so like idk man? Maybe it was also the period lololol
> 
> It took me a week to finish this chapter because jfc I was bedridden for 3 days straight thanks to that period lol
> 
> Anyways! I was listening to these songs while I was writing this, I think it conveyed the theme a lot, the lyrics and all. It all sounded very romantic and on point in my opinion. The first song is 心底 (Xin Di) or Bottom of my Heart by Cindy Yen and the other is The Next Best American Record by Lana Del Rey. Here's a [link to my playlist.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ct37Kr0iAlA&list=PL0yPUSbSFqFLevo2sNH3j-5Ouq4tGA7TM&index=1&ab_channel=HathorS) I was listening to these two non-stop as I wrote this lol
> 
> Lastly, hope you guys enjoy! I tried to beta and re-read this as well lmao I think it turned out very nice~ owo

**_A year later…_ **

It was the middle of April, the height of Spring in its peak. There was a soft breeze that blew in the air, welcoming and cool. The area was surrounded by white lilies and carnation, complimenting the white architecture of the Church. Soft touches of sculpted angels on the pillars, looking down gently on the path of floras.

The area was vast, enveloped in a land that was touched by nature. Traveling to this Church took a bit of effort, but what love was not worth a bit more effort?

Entering the Church, you would first see a plethora of flowers, the caretakers of said Church were fond of nature, as their patron saint was St. Francis of Assisi. That was the Church’s name, the Church of St. Francis of Assisi. It was beautiful and perfect for the occasion. 

There were laughter and chatter from the guests that filled the air, whispers of excitement to see the grooms. Both Andrew and Steven’s families were there, the two families already acquainted and even helped in preparing the wedding in their own ways. They had chosen this location because of their backdoor garden that could be designed to the liking of the couple. 

“I still can’t believe you guys went with this motif,” Ryan said to Steven as they were in one of the rooms of the Church. Steven was a bit superstitious in his own ways, even though there was no bride to see, he still told Andrew that they weren’t allowed to meet each other for the entire day till it was time for them to be walking down the aisle. “You’re both sick, very morbid.” Ryan joked with a grin.

“I happen to think it’s very sweet,” Shane commented the total opposite from what Ryan was saying. “I mean hey, lily and carnation motif flowers? If that’s what got you guys together then, I’d say it’s still good.” 

“Thanks, guys,” Steven said with a smile. He was wearing a pure white suit, tailored with a long tailcoat at the back, and a buttoned shirt underneath. The silveret was currently deciding which tie he should wear or if a scarf would be more appropriate for his outfit. “Really the best men a guy could have.” He tells them as he takes in his hand a silver scarf that compliments his hair colour. “What do you think of this one?”

“Yeah, it goes great with your hair,” Ryan and Shane say at the same time, making the three of them laugh.

“Jinx!” Ryan quickly says to Shane. “You owe me a soda.” 

“A soda? We are literally at a wedding Ryan!” Shane argues.

“You owe him a soda after the wedding,” Steven chimes in, getting a look from Shane, questioning him in  _ why  _ he had to indulge the raven in on it.

“Yup, definitely owe me a coke after the wedding,” Ryan says and he high fives Steven.

In another room, Andrew himself was getting ready. He was nervous and feeling jittery, but all of those feelings stemmed from excitement and happiness. 

“Hey, calm down,” Adam said behind him as he laid a hand on Andrew’s shoulder. The blond looked to his friend and smiled, trying to calm himself down.

“Don’t get cold feet now!” Andrew’s cousin, also one of his best men shouted from one end of the room.

“Shut up! I don’t get cold feet!” Andrew defended himself as he busied himself with checking if his outfit was proper. He stood in front of a full-body mirror. Andrew, like Steven, wore a pristine white formal, only his was a tuxedo and did not have a longtail at the coat like the silveret’s. He was wearing a silver tie to complement his entire outfit, making it look all the more sleek and posh.

Andrew took in a deep breath, looking over to Adam, his best friend, the guy who has been with him and Steven through it all. He smiled and asked. “How do I look?” 

Adam smiled. “Like a guy who’s about to get married.” 

An hour later and everyone was seated at the back garden of the Church. Ryan, Shane, Adam, and a couple of relatives from Steven and Andrew were beside them. They were the first ones to appear in the procession before the ushers, matron of honor, then the ring bearer who was a nephew of Steven. There were little girls and boys who dropped flower petals on the carpet, the petals lovely white lilies and carnations.

As all of the people that walked down the aisle had come into their positions, the music that the band played changed. Everyone stood up from their seats and Canon in D major was played indolently. Everyone looked behind them, waiting for the grooms to appear.

Andrew was the first one to appear from the left side. He stood at the end of the aisle, waiting for Steven to come out so that they can both walk down the aisle together. He wore at the pocket of his white coat, a white carnation and he held in his hand one lone carnation as well.

A second later, Steven appeared and Andrew felt himself tear up. He wiped his eyes as he watched Steven walk to him. Steven looked absolutely stunning and before Andrew could realize it, Steven himself was already crying. Steven like him wore a lily at the pocket of his jacket and held in his hand a lone lily flower as well.

“Why are you crying?” Andrew called Steven out with a laugh, he raised a hand to wipe the tears from Steven’s cheek.

Steven sniffled as he tried to wipe his own tears with the back of his hand. “I could ask you the same Ilnyckyj,” The silveret grinned as he took Andrew’s hand into his own. “Let’s go.”

Slowly, the duo walked on the aisle with their hands intertwined and looking at each other without a care in the world. When they finally made it to the front, there was a priest waiting for them.

“Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today, in the presence of God, to witness this beautiful wedding between Andrew and Steven.” The priest started as he gestured to the grooms.

Everyone was seated, except for Andrew and Steven who stood at the altar, looking at each other with grins on their lips that they couldn’t wipe away even if they wanted to. The wedding started with a Homily from the priest, talking about the union of two people with the blessing of God.

“Love is patient, love is kind,” The priest said as he read from the bible, one of the most sought out quotes from the book that’s said in every wedding.

And then, came the wedding vows.

“Andrew, do you vow to take Steven Lim, as your lawfully wedded husband? For better or for worse? For richer or for poorer? That you will stay with him, through sickness and in health?”

Andrew clears his throat, looking at Steven as he held the silveret’s hands in his own. “Steven, I’ve probably loved you longer than I’ve known myself.” He starts and the silveret chuckles fondly at him. “I didn’t think that one day, you could ever love me back.” He admits and Steven shakes his head at those words, holding him tighter. “And here I am, in a Church, holding your hands in front of all of our families and friends, and never in my wildest dreams, even in my wild mind,” He continues and there’s a bit of laughter from everyone in the crowd including Steven.

“That the one and only Steven Lim, would love me back. You’re the sun that shines upon me, the moon that lights my darkest days, the very air I breath, and like a comforting hot bowl of borscht on a cold winter day. You’re all of this to me and more.” Steven starts to cry again and Andrew can’t help but cry along with him.

It’s too emotional, too much, he feels everything, and this time, he’s able to tell it to not just Steven but to everyone. This time, he’s able to tell the world how much he loves Steven Lim and how much he means to him.

“And I promise,” Andrew continues as he lifts Steven’s hands and kisses his knuckles. “To always be with you, to be your husband, to make you happy, and to adopt a hundred cats with you.” Another wave of fond laughter from Steven and their family. “And hey, we’ll have kids. We’ll get an egg donor or adopt, whichever you want. You made me realize, that there’s more to life and that’s with you, having a family with you, coming home to you with our cats and kids. I can already imagine it in our future and there’s nothing else I want more in the world than to be at home with you and our family.”

“Our… Three kids?” Andrew guesses since he and Steven aren’t exactly sure yet on how many kids but, the silveret nods at his words with tears in his eyes. “We’ll have amazing kids because we’re going to be great Dads and we’ll be so happy. And you know why we’ll be happy?”

Steven looks to him and Andrew smiles. “We’ll be so happy because our home will be filled with love. There’s no crook nor cranny in our house that won’t be filled with love. And I promise, to you and,” He smiles, he doesn’t really believe in religion, but if there was a God, he knows that they blessed both his and Steven’s marriage. “God.” He looks up for a moment at the sky before gazing back at Steven. “That I’ll love you even in our next life.”

“I want to kiss you right now,” Steven tells him, and Andrew chortles. 

The blond leans in teasingly and says. “Wait till we’re married,” 

“Now Steven,” The priest starts. “Do you vow to take Andrew Ilnyckyj, as your lawfully wedded husband? For better or for worse? For richer or for poorer? That you will stay with him, through sickness and in health?”

It was Steven’s turn this time and he looks at Andrew with his eyes still shining with tears and a smile on his lips that was just full of pure joy and love.

“Andrew,” He starts and he holds onto the blond’s hands tighter. “I want to start by saying I love you,” Steven says and no matter how many times Andrew hears it, he still melts at the words. Steven telling him he loves him always feels like it’s the first time ever that the silveret says it to him and Andrew just can’t help but swoon and fall in love with him all over again. “At the start, I said I love you to you as a friend.” He laughs and shakes his head. “And yeah, I did love you firstly as a friend and I am so grateful to God for bringing you to me as you are.” He cries harder this time and Andrew has to let go of his hand for a moment so the blond can pat a gentle hand on Steven’s back.

“Wait, wait, I wrote this because I know I’ll just forget or get too nervous,” Steven tells him in a shaky voice and Andrew looks at him fondly as the silveret takes out a piece of paper from his pocket.

“We were co-workers, friends, then best friends, to lovers… And now we’re about to become husbands.” Steven continues and he tries to keep himself in check, wipes the tears off of his face. It’s been almost 2 years now since he found out that he loves Andrew and in those years, he’s never felt love just as beautiful as the love he shared with the other. “God really does work in mysterious ways.” 

Steven looks at Andrew. “Because God let you, an amazing, beautiful, and just all-around wonderful person be in my life. You showed me what true love is like, you let me know what it’s like to love and be loved, you showed me how to be happy, how to be sad, how to get back-up from a heartbreak, and be a better person.  _ You _ .  _ You make me into a better person _ .” He puts an emphasis on the last sentence because what is Steven without Andrew? How could he ever be this person without Andrew?

There is no Steven if there was no Andrew.

“You opened up so many possibilities to me, taught me that there’s more to life than just,” Steven goes speechless for a moment before gesturing to himself. “This,”

“Hey, hey,” Andrew warns. “You are not  _ ‘just this,’ _ ” He tells the silveret fondly. “Stop talking badly about my husband.”

“That’s not what I meant!” Steven answers back and laughs.

“I know,” Andrew replies, because he does know, he and Steven understand each other that much.

“That in the end, you helped me become this person who can accept himself more.” Tears roll down his cheeks and Steven’s voice breaks. “You reached your hand out to me when I was in this really dark place and you accepted me. You accepted me, you understood me, and you loved me. And I don’t know what I ever did to deserve you Andrew Ilnyckyj. But because you chose me, you decided that you love me. I want to tell you that for every single day of my life, I’ll always love and chose you.”

Steven takes Andrew’s hand and intertwines their fingers together. “That I’ll work hard to always be better because I’m with you and  _ being with you makes me a better person. _ I want to be the person who makes you happy, who gets to make you smile, who makes breakfast for you even though I know I’m really bad at cooking,” Both Steven and Andrew laugh.

“And when you’re having a bad day I want to be the person you’ll come to and comfort you, I want to be the one who gives you hugs and kisses, I want to be the person who gets to falls asleep right next to you every night, and I want to be the person who gets to wake up every morning next to you, seeing the sun shine on your face and knowing that the world is a better place because you’re in it.” 

“And it is,” Steven takes his gaze away from the paper he’s reading then looks at Andrew straight in the eyes. “The world is so much better with you in it. You’re my world, my whole entire world. And I love you so much and I want to spend the rest of our lives together. I want to marry you, move into a house with you, have kids, and have a hundred thousand cats.”

“A thousand?!” Andrew repeats his words with a chortle.

“Yeah! A thousand!” Steven chuckles. “Knowing you, we’ll adopt a thousand and we’ll be so happy.” There’s a fond smile adorning Steven’s lips and Andrew just can’t wait to say _ ‘I do.’ _

already and kiss him. “We’ll be so happy and I’ll love you for the rest of my life.” He finishes and folds his paper back into his pocket. 

“Oh,” Steven says as though suddenly remembering something. “I’ll love you too even in my next life,” The silveret says with a grin. “And the next, and the next, and the next, I’ll love you in all the lives I live, regardless, I’ll always find a way to find you.”

“Same here, I’ll always try to find you even in the next life,” Andrew answers him back. 

The duo looks to the priest and the priest nods. “And now, we will honor their vows with symbols of love. First the candles,” Candles were given to Andrew and Steven, both given by the mother of the other. “We light these candles, two different people coming from different families, backgrounds, and environments yet they found each other and have decided to become one together.”

Andrew takes a lighter and lights Steven’s candle, then hands the lighter to Steven so the silveret can light his. 

“Light the union candle together,” The priest tells them and the duo does so, letting their candles touch the union candle in front of them and lighting it. “The candles are a symbol of the light we give to each other. That in the darkness, there is a light within us that will guide both of you to each other. That lighting this candle at the same time means your desire to be together. That you will no longer be just Andrew and just Steven. But Andrew  _ and  _ Steven together.” 

“And now, the cords.” A white rope tied together into a circle was put on Andrew and Steven’s shoulder by their fathers and family. “The cord symbolizes eternity and never-ending love. That there will be no start and no finish, only an everlasting pure love.” 

“Lastly, the rings.” The priest says and Steven’s nephew walks to them, bearing the rings. 

“Thanks, buddy,” Andrew says as he takes the ring for Steven.

“Xi Xi,” Steven thanks his nephew with a grin and takes the ring for Andrew.

“Steven, with this ring,” Andrew says as he takes Steven’s hand then, gently wears the golden band on Steven’s ring finger. “I wed thee, may it remind you forever of my love, that I will honor and cherish you for all our lives.” He raises Steven’s hand and gives it another kiss, this time to his ring finger.

“Andrew, with this ring,” Steven starts as he takes Andrew’s hand as well, putting the same simple golden ring on Andrew’s ring finger. “I wed thee, may it remind you forever of my love, that I will honor and cherish you for all our lives.” He does the same and kisses Andrew’s ring finger as well, causing the blond to chuckle.

“Should anyone here present know of any reason that this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now or forever hold your peace.” The priest says and Steven looks to the crowd, their family, and friends.

“Nobody’s going to object,” Andrew tells him softly, like a whisper, meant only for him. Steven looks back to the blond and smiles. They had the option to leave that part out, even their priest had suggested it, but Steven, old-fashioned as always, also wanted to prove to himself that nothing in the world could ever stop him from loving Andrew.

That no matter what, Steven will always choose Andrew, with or without objections.

“I’d still marry you even if there was one,” Steven whispers back softly to him.

“By the power vested in me, I now pronounce you, husbands.” There was a cheer and the duo looked to each other with smiles. “You may now kiss.”

Steven was the first one to lean in forward, kissing Andrew softly, gently, and engraving this moment deep into his heart. Andrew raises his hands and cups Steven’s face. At that moment, Steven held the blond by the waist, swooping him in and kissing him dramatically like how all those cheesy romantic movies do it.

If the crowd had roared louder by Steven’s act, both he and Andrew did not notice as they were far too enamored and happy with their kiss.

“You’re unbelievable!” Andrew says as Steven pulls away, he’s still holding Andrew in his arms, literally, nothing but Steven was supporting the blond now from falling down. 

“It’s our wedding Andrew, gotta make every moment memorable!” Steven answers back and for a second, he lets Andrew stand up on his feet again before Steven takes him into his arms again and carries him bridal style. 

“We’re married!” Steven screams and Andrew holds onto him, arms wrapping around Steven’s shoulders as he laughs.

Petals of white lilies and carnations fall to them and Steven kisses Andrew again.

**_Santorini, Greece_ **

A week into their marriage and the couple were having their honeymoon in one of the Cyclades Islands of the Aegean Sea. It was a mutual agreement that they wanted to go out of the country for their honeymoon, somewhere with a beach and lots of good food. Both he and Andrew hadn’t really visited Greece yet, so choosing a romantic island as their honeymoon destination just fit in perfectly.

Steven is currently in their hotel room, sitting at the center of their bed fresh out of the shower. He and Andrew had gone out today, first to go sight-seeing once again and check out the local restaurants, then they went swimming at the beach. Steven had a faint tan line on him, mostly on his arms and legs, since he went swimming while wearing a tank top. 

Coming back to their hotel, one of the few things Steven occupied himself with as Andrew went out to buy their dinner was checking his emails and rewriting documents and replies. He couldn’t help the dopey grin from appearing on his lips whenever he signs his emails now as  _ ‘Lim-Ilnyckyj’ _ .

The door to their room opens and Steven’s attention goes to the disturbance. He sees Andrew, wearing khaki shorts and a buttoned white shirt, holding a bag of their dinner in his hands. Compared to Steven, Andrew had let himself get soaked in the sun, giving him a beautiful sun-kissed tan. 

“Hello Mr. Lim-Ilnyckyj,” Steven calls out to Andrew who was currently putting their dinner down on the table.

Andrew looks at him with an amused grin, making Steven’s heart skip a beat. During their honeymoon, Andrew had let his beard grow out a bit, making him look all the more irresistible to Steven. 

“Hello to you too Mr. Lim-Ilnyckyj,” Andrew replies back as he goes to Steven at their bed, and gives his husband a kiss. “What’re you doing?” He asks as he turns to look at the laptop in Steven’s lap.

“Just checking some emails and making sure everything is signed as Lim-Ilnyckyj now,” Steven tells him and kisses Andrew again.

“I feel like we’ll get a lot of mix-ups in the office for having the same last name,” Andrew jokes and he leans back down, kissing Steven, again and again, the next kiss much deeper than the last ones.

“Their problem, not ours,” Steven tells him with a sigh as he closes his laptop and puts it on the side of the bed.

“Oh, I think it’ll definitely be a problem for us.” Andrew chortles as he pulls away for a moment to take Steven’s laptop and stash it away on top of their bedside table. “But, I guess a problem for the future.” He continues as he kisses back, but this time to Steven’s jaw and neck, putting down little love bites on his husband’s skin.

Steven hums, arching up into Andrew. “Definitely for the future,” He sighs and falls into bed, Andrew not letting go of him even for a second as he follows the silveret down. The blond started to nip at Steven’s collarbone, lavishing it with attention as his hand started to roam underneath the silveret’s shirt. Steven’s skin burned where Andrew touched him, filling him with heat as a soft moan escaped his lips.

Encouraged by the sounds Steven made, Andrew continued to kiss him until he sucked on the collarbone hard enough to mark the silveret. He could feel Steven tremble underneath him and it invigorated Andrew, making him keep his place between Steven’s now spread out legs. Both of his hands were now on Steven, gently caressing him as one of Andrew’s hands found its way to the silveret’s chest, fingers playing against the hardening nubs.

Steven whimpered and it took all of Andrew’s willpower to not ravish him here and now. The blond pulled away, much to Steven’s disappointment. Andrew sat up a little and looked at his husband. “I bought dinner, let’s eat first.” He said, his lips were so close to Steven’s own that his breath touched the silveret’s soft plush lips.

“Later,” Steven told him as he wrapped his arms around Andrew’s shoulders and pulled him close to him. “Not yet hungry,” He continues off by kissing Andrew again and Steven arches his hips up against Andrew’s own and the blond could already feel the bulge in Steven’s shorts. 

Andrew was already hard by the time he had been kissing at Steven’s neck earlier, but he forced himself to pull away again, no matter how much he wanted to kiss and drown in Steven right now. “Steven,” He tried and the silveret just kissed him again, his nimble yet shaking hands already trying to work on the buttons of Andrew’s shirt. “Baby, baby, wait,” Andrew tried again as he placed a hand on Steven’s chest, pulling away from him. “We don’t need to rush this, you know that.” Andrew reminds him.

After their wedding a week ago, they had tried that very night to have sex. Andrew had planned it all perfectly, a romantic candlelit room at their house, filled with rose petals and that lavender scent that Steven loved so much. But in the end, nerves got to the silveret, shivering and holding onto Andrew as though his life depended on it.

There were a bit of tears and many mumbles of apologies from his husband. Andrew hugged Steven that night, cradling him in his arms and telling him it was alright, everything was fine.

He didn’t mind waiting.

“I know,” Steven answers him, pulling Andrew back from the memory of their wedding night. “We’re taking it slow and I just want to hold you,” The silveret says and kisses him so softly, so sweetly, but there was still that underlying wanton mixed in with them that got the fire in the pits of Andrew’s stomach burning hotter. “Please?”

How could Andrew ever resist? Steven was his very weakness itself.

“Okay, okay,” Andrew relents and he kisses Steven back. He helps the silveret unbutton his shirt, Andrew’s own hands leading Steven’s shaky ones. They take the buttons off one by one, and by the time Andrew’s shirt was open, he led Steven’s hand to roam against his chest. Steven’s hand was soft, save for his fingertips that had faint touches of callouses on them. Andrew has held the silveret’s hand so many times now that he knows the other like the back of his hand, he revels in those touches, knows that those callouses come from Steven playing either the piano and guitar from before. 

“Can I,” Steven starts as he pulls away from their kiss. “Can I kiss your neck?” He asks for permission, looking and sounding so hesitant, so meekly, as though he was afraid that Andrew would deny him. 

It makes Andrew want to melt and turn into mush in Steven’s arms.

“Yeah,” A chuckle leaves him. “Yeah, come’re” He gestures for Steven to come closer, making the silveret sit up from his place. Andrew’s hand lands gently on Steven’s head, fingers carding through soft silver locks. Steven kisses his neck, close to his adam’s apple and it makes Andrew shiver. It was so soft, so sweet, having to feel Steven’s soft plush lips against his skin. There was still a lingering hesitance within Steven, Andrew could feel it. He brushed his fingers in Steven’s hair again, encouraging him.

“You’re good,” He tells him. “It feels good.” He assured his husband and Steven immediately becomes more confident in his kisses. It was delicate butterfly kisses at first, but now Steven kisses with fervor, tongue lapping against Andrew’s skin and he could feel his teeth, lightly biting and wanting to mark as well. Steven’s hand touches his chest, making Andrew’s breath hitch for a moment. His other hand moves down, palming on the blond’s hard-on.

“Steven,” Andrew calls out to him, voice lower and huskier. 

The silveret continues, his kisses go down to Andrew’s chest and there was a slight giggle from Steven when the blond’s chest hair distracts him. He kisses at Andrew’s nipple while his other hand works on unfixing the blond’s shorts and pulling them down.

Andrew groans. “Baby, too much,” He says because it is too much now, he doesn’t know for how long he could hold out. If this keeps on, he won’t be able to stop himself from ravishing Steven. His hand goes to where Steven’s hand was pulling down his shorts and stops him midway. “It’s…” He stops, brain unable to think of the proper words to say. “I can’t hold out,” He pants, his eyes dark with want, and his breathing was already a bit irregular.

Steven cups his cheek, leaning back up to place his lips on Andrew’s, chaste and languid. “I want you,” Steven tells him with his eyes closed. “I want to try again.”

With those words, Andrew relented and helped Steven pull his shorts down. “Tell me to stop,” Andrew tells him one more time, wanting assurance that Steven really wanted this, right here and right now. “Tell me when to stop.”

“I want you, Andrew,” Steven tells him, eyes half-lidded and looking just as dark as Andrew’s. “Please.”

Andrew kisses him hungrily, like a man starving for affection and Steven gives it to him. Andrew darts his tongue out to meet Steven’s own, and he finds himself dominating the other, kissing him breathless, taking everything Steven has to give because he wants, he  _ wants  _ it all, wants  _ everything of Steven _ . His hands travel to the hem of the silveret’s shirt, pulling it up and Steven easily complies, the two of them separating so that the piece of clothing can be thrown to the floor.

Andrew gazes at Steven, taking in his husband's frame. Hands tentatively touch Steven’s body, hesitant as though Steven would shy away from him again. Yet, the silveret moved closer and when timid hands touched his skin Steven shivered and a delighted sound escaped his lips. Andrew took that as a good sign, his hands caressed the silveret’s chest, feeling the smooth skin, the slight curve of his pecs, and the flat stomach. Steven’s body is slim and beautiful, everything that Andrew imagined it to be and more.

“You’re perfect,” Andrew murmurs softly as he looks up at Steven and sees the deep crimson blush on his cheeks. Andrew leaned in, kissing him softly, savoring the moment. He loves him, loves him so much that he can’t help but be as gentle as he can, to be as tender as he can, to cherish every moment with him.

He loves him with or without the sex.

“I love you,” Steven replies back and it warms him up, making his chest swell in love and joy. Steven falls back down on their bed, letting Andrew kiss at his neck. He was still nervous, body shaking a tad, but he wanted this. He wanted to feel Andrew, wanted Andrew to touch him, and to touch Andrew back, to be able to caress and brush against every soft and sensitive area there was. 

Soft kisses, feathery light, and loving move down to Steven’s chest. They made Steven feel loved, protected, and vulnerable. It was like Steven could finally put down his defenses and be safe with his husband. Andrew’s kisses made it down to his stomach, giving special attention to his belly button. It made Steven squirm a bit when Andrew’s hands massaged at his sides, making him giggle.

“Sorry,” He could hear the blond’s chuckle, making his nervousness melt away more.

“It’s fine,” Steven answers back amused. “It’s good.”

He feels Andrew grab a hold of his shorts and for a moment, Steven’s breath stills. Andrew, ever observant, immediately noticed the change. The blond looks up at him, inquiring silently for Steven’s permission. The silveret nods and Andrew kisses back down at his stomach before slowly taking off Steven’s shorts and boxers.

He feels exposed; embarrassment creeps into Steven, making him want to close his legs to hide away.

Yet, Andrew’s hands softly hold onto his thighs, gently pulling them apart again. Steven closes his eyes, his hands cover his face. He didn’t think sex would feel this embarrassing.

“Steven, look at me.” He hears Andrew plead to him. Slowly the silveret part his fingers for a bit of space for his eyes, pulling his hands down to expose half of his face. Andrew looks at him with a fond smile before going back to work. He kisses at Steven’s thigh, his stubble brushed against the silveret’s skin leaving beard burns that sent a tingling pleasure up his spine.

A shaky moan escapes the silveret’s lips and he feels his thighs want to close in again, but Andrew holds them both firmly.

“Andrew,” Steven calls out to him, but the blond ignores him in favor of kissing down lower into his inner thighs. Steven feels his cock harden at the ministrations and he whimpers. He feels Andrew’s other hand slide down to his derrière, fondling at the cheeks, squeezing and it makes Steven jump a little with a surprised gasp.

The blond looks back up to him. “Do you want me to stop?”

There’s an understanding look in Andrew’s features, so patient and kind, it makes Steven feel like mush even when he was horny as hell.

The silveret shakes his head no, he bites at the tip of his fingers before replying. “I-It’s okay,” He stutters out his reply.

Andrew smiles at him then goes back to kissing his thigh, so close to his prick that Steven’s hips involuntarily thrust up. It made the silveret want to shy away again and he would’ve pulled away if it wasn’t for Andrew who was holding him close. In that second, he felt Andrew’s lips on his dick and it made Steven yelp.

A chuckle came from Andrew and the silveret doesn’t know if he wants to escape from embarrassment, but Andrew’s lips on his cock felt so good and he barely even touched him yet. Precum easily oozed out at the tip and Steven didn’t know where to put his hands, should he cover his face again? Should he grip at the sheets below him?

Fuck, all his years of experience in watching porn did not prepare him for this.

“Here,” Andrew’s voice coaxes him out of his disarrayed thoughts. His husband takes his hand and places it at his hair, making Steven grip at golden locks. Andrew smirks at him and it was the last thing Steven saw before Andrew took hold of his cock and led it to his mouth.

Steven’s body immediately arched up, a breathy moan left his lips as his fingers gripped hard at Andrew’s hair. Andrew’s free hand held Steven’s waist down as his other hand started to stroke down at his length. Andrew’s mouth was warm and wet on the head of his cock, it felt amazing and it was a thousand times better than when Steven had just masturbated using his hands.

“Andrew, Andrew,” Steven called out, his eyes were closed from bliss and his hand pushed Andrew’s head down, making him take more of his cock. Andrew hums against his dick, taking in more and more of him, the vibrations were delicious and Steven couldn’t stop himself from trembling underneath the blond. His toes curled in pleasure and for a moment, the silveret tried to watch his husband take him.

He watched with half-lidded eyes for a moment, seeing Andrew with his eyes closed in concentration, mouth full of Steven’s cock and his hand stroking where his mouth hasn’t touched yet. The scene felt too risqué, obscene yet at the same time amazing. Steven couldn’t watch for long, Andrew’s mouth on him, his tongue wantonly dragging along the silveret’s length… Steven wasn’t going to last long.

“Andrew,” He called out again and his grip got tighter. He tried to warn the other, but suddenly Andrew moaned when he pulled his hair harder and that was all it took for Steven to lose it. He was cumming hard and fast into Andrew’s mouth, body spasming at the intensity of his orgasm. Steven voiced out a shaky, choked moan as he stared at the ceiling with half-lidded eyes.

The silveret whimpered when he felt and  _ heard _ Andrew slurp at his cock. He could feel the blond lapping at the head of his cock, taking in all his cum and making sure not to waste a drop. Steven easily got over-sensitive, his dick softening but something about it invigorated him.

He wanted Andrew to do more.

“Sorry, couldn’t help myself.” The blond told him as he moved up to kiss Steven’s neck. “How was it?” He inquired, voice low and husky that it made Steven shiver.

“It was great,” Steven answered back and he cupped Andrew’s cheeks to kiss him… Yet, he immediately made a face and pulled away. “Ew,”

The blond laughed, watching Steven look disgusted at the taste of his own cum. “Don’t like it?” Andrew asked amused.

“I don’t even know  _ why  _ you swallowed that,” Steven told him with an emphasis on the  _ ‘why’ _ part as he wiped his lips with the back of his hand.

Andrew moved to kiss his cheek then to his ear, whispering seductively. “I love everything about you.” His breath ghosting against the silveret’s ear made Steven shiver, his cock twitching in interest. At the same time, Steven felt Andrew’s own hard cock rub against his stomach. Steven looked down and blushed harder at the sight.

Andrew’s dick was definitely bigger than his when it comes to girth, lengthwise they were probably the same… Steven doesn’t know how that’s gonna fit inside him.

“Andrew you’re…” Steven tried to voice out that his husband’s dick was hard, angry red and poking it at his stomach.

“Hm?” Andrew only answers back with a hum, still kissing at Steven.

“You’re ah…” The silveret tries again, too embarrassed to say the words.

“What is it?” The blond finally asks him as he kisses at the side of Steven’s lips.

“It’s ah…” Steven’s voice goes up an octave. “You’re poking me.” He says bashfully, closing his eyes as he says the words.

Andrew looks down and sure enough, he was still hard. He almost forgot about himself.  _ Almost _ . He had been restraining himself the entire time, wanting to make Steven feel good first. He had plans to maybe stroke them both off, but making Steven feel good had become his priority and well…

“Yeah, I’ll take care of that,” Andrew replied back as he kissed at Steven’s jaw. “Don’t worry about it.”

Steven’s hand grabbed a hold of Andrew’s bicep, the two of them looked at each other and Steven tried to muster up enough courage to tell his husband what he wanted. “I…” He started, still too skittish to tell what he wants. 

“You?” Andrew drawls out, waiting for Steven to finish his sentence.

“I…” Steven takes a deep breath, he didn’t know it would be this difficult to ask his own husband for sex. “I want to go all the way.”

Andrew blinks a few times, looking as though he couldn’t believe the words that had left Steven’s mouth. There was silence between them for a second and Steven bit on his bottom lip, suddenly feeling very insecure. “I mean, only if you want-” He was about to rant on about how it was alright if Andrew didn’t want to, but the blond cut him off before he could continue to do so.

“Are you sure?” Andrew asks him and Steven looks up at his husband. “It’s definitely okay to just stop now.” He says and there’s a sincerity in his voice that Steven knows Andrew’s not gonna hold it against him. “I don’t mind.”

“I-I do!” Steven answers back, having a sudden surge of confidence come within him. It surprises Andrew, the way he spoke up all of a sudden. “I… I want…” Steven places his other hand on Andrew’s face, caressing him as his hand that was on the blond’s bicep holds on tighter. “I want you.”

The blond leans in closer to him, their lips only inches apart and in Steven’s mind, Andrew had never looked so beautiful. He’s the epitome of perfection.

“Are you sure?” Andrew asks for his permission again.

“Yes,” Steven says as he leans up to softly kiss Andrew’s lips. “I am.”

“Okay, okay,” He hears Andrew pant, nearly breathless and he kisses Steven again. The taste of his semen is in Andrew’s mouth, but Steven found that he could care less about it. Andrew’s hands hold his face, so delicately, so gently, as though he was afraid that Steven would break in his hands. 

“I’ll get the lube,” Andrew says after their kiss.

“Okay,” Steven replies back and he watches his husband move from his position. 

They had kept a bottle of lube and condoms in their bedside drawer, Steven had insisted upon it. He just had a feeling that sooner or later they would have a need for it. He’s glad that he had the foresight for it and Andrew didn’t really argue with him about it.

He still felt embarrassed when Andrew sat back down on the bed again, sitting between Steven’s spread legs. The look the blond gave him sent shivers down Steven’s spine, his eyes were dark and he looked at the silveret as though he would ravish him, eat him up whole.

Steven’s cock easily came back to life, hardening at the sight of his husband.

“Guess I didn’t have to give you time to recharge,” Andrew comments with a chuckle. He opens the bottle of lube, letting the gel trickle out to his finger. “Tell me when it gets too uncomfortable or painful okay?” He says as he starts to coat his fingers with lube.

“Isn’t it supposed to hurt?” Steven asks, even when he knows  _ theoretically _ , from his  **_research_ ** , that if done right anal sex shouldn’t hurt. He doesn’t know why he’s asking stupid questions right now. His mind is racing and he’s definitely far too nervous that he’s started talking nonsense again.

Andrew looks at him with an arched brow, clearly disturbed by the question. “No. Who told you it’s supposed to hurt?”

“Nobody!” Steven squeaks out a reply, before admitting. “The internet…” 

Andrew rolls his eyes fondly at him. “Yeah, should’ve guessed.” Andrew’s hand takes hold of Steven’s thigh again while his other moves down to his bottom. “You know you could’ve asked me right?” He says with a haughty smirk.

“It was too embar-” And before Steven could even finish his sentence, he feels Andrew press a finger at his entrance. The action shuts him up, immediately bracing for the intrusion. He waits for a second, agitation taking over him that he almost doesn’t hear Andrew talk to him.

“Steven,” The blond says and the silveret looks up at him. “Relax, I’m not doing anything until you relax.”

“Oh,” Steven says and he didn’t even realize he was holding his breath. 

“Breathe,” Andrew tells him as he lightly circles his finger at the puckered entrance. “I can’t do anything when you’re this tense.” He smiles and kisses up at Steven’s thighs again, making the silveret cover his face again.

“I can’t, I can’t, I’m too nervous,” Steven admits and his brain feels like it’s being fried right now. He knows he wants this, wants to have sex with his husband, but god, he didn’t know how nerve-wracking this could be.

He feels Andrew’s hand on his own, pulling Steven’s hand away from the silveret’s face. Steven looks at his husband and Andrew smiles at him. Andrew kisses him, slow and sweet, the one that easily makes Steven melt under Andrew. The kiss was a good distraction, making Steven put all of his attention into it. He wraps his arms around the blond, pulling him closer. Andrew always knew how to comfort him, how to make him feel better… He always feels so safe when he’s with his husband.

They break away to breathe and Andrew continues to kiss him at his jaw, neck, and collarbone making Steven sigh contently. 

“Better?” Andrew asks him.

“Yeah, better,” Steven replies back smiling.

“Just take deep breaths okay?” Andrew tells him as he kisses on Steven’s ear.

“Okay,” Steven answers back and he lets himself get lost in Andrew’s kisses. The blond still hasn’t really pushed his finger in and Steven, although a bit impatient, feels all the more enamored with his husband. Andrew moves down to his chest, kissing at Steven’s pecs then to his nipples. He feels Andrew’s mouth enclose around the hard nub and suck on it. Steven moans at the ministrations, then Andrew’s hand move to his cock, and the silveret thrusts up into the hand.

“Andrew,” Steven sighs and he feels Andrew stroke his length. The blond lightly nips at his nipples and the silveret whimpers.

“I’ll put one finger in,” Andrew says and he looks up at Steven, waiting for him to say either yes or no. “Okay?”

Steven nods. 

Slowly, Steven feels the finger breach in and he thinks he would tense up again but with Andrew’s mouth on his chest and hand stroking his cock, he barely even felt it. It was still there, the feeling a bit uncomfortable but nothing that Steven can’t take. The silveret feels Andrew suck harder, mouth straying away from his nipple to leave love bites at his chest. He makes hickeys on Steven’s skin and the silveret whimpers.

It feels good. 

Too good.

Andrew’s finger curl inside Steven, massaging the walls inside him and it wasn’t all that bad. He arches his body up against Andrew, thinking that he can get used to this. A moment later, a second finger enters him and Steven has to stop and let it register. He has relaxed a considerable amount since earlier, but the feeling of a second finger inside him is different. He stiffens a little at it and as if on cue, Andrew immediately notices it.

“Painful?” There’s a worried tone in Andrew’s voice and Steven nearly melts at it.

The silveret shakes his head. “Just, weird?”

Andrew chortles. “Okay, so still good?” He asks and curls both fingers inside Steven. The silveret’s breath hitched and he stilled at the action. It was weird, definitely uncomfortable but still, it wasn’t that bad.

“Ye-yeah, still good.” 

Andrew continues to kiss him, Steven slowly getting used to the two fingers inside him, and hey, maybe it wasn’t all that bad. He’s even starting to like it the more Andrew moves them, thrusting in and out, curling around and-

“Fuck!” Steven arches, his body shaking and his hands grip tight at the bedsheets below him.

“Got it,” Andrew says mostly to himself, looking smug.

“Wa-was that?” Steven stutters and his legs involuntarily try to close against Andrew.

“Prostate? Yup, found it.” Andrew grins and he prods at the sensitive bundle of nerves again, earning another moan from Steven. The silveret covers his mouth, far too embarrassed by the sounds he makes. It felt good, so good,  _ too good _ and he wanted Andrew to do it again. “Hey, don’t do that.” Andrew lets go of his dick for a minute so he can pull Steven’s hand away from his mouth. “I want to hear you.”

Steven bites at his lower lip but indulges his husband. He takes a hold of Andrew’s hand and intertwines it with his own. Andrew continues to thrust two of his fingers inside him and Steven starts thrusting himself down on the blond’s fingers. Sounds of pleasure leave his lips and he holds on tighter to Andrew’s hand. “It’s good,” Steven says and he wants more. “Andrew,” He whines, getting needier.

“Ready for more?” There was a teasing tone in his voice, one that roused Steven yet at the same time turned him on all the more.

“Yes,” He answered, voice small and needy. “Andrew, please, please.” The silveret sounds almost as though he was going to cry as he thrust his hips down on Andrew’s fingers.

A groan left the blond’s lips, Andrew sat up straight and slowly entered a third finger into Steven. The silveret arched his entire body up, body quivering and he moaned louder. “Yes, yes, please,” Steven drawled out, his legs spread themselves wider and he kept going down on Andrew.

“Fuck, you’re beautiful.” Andrew murmurs as he watches Steven, writhing, and blissed-out underneath him. He only had three fingers inside his husband, but Steven already looked as though he had been ravished. His hair was a mess, his cock was leaking on his stomach, love bites were scattered among his chest and neck, and finally, the look in Steven’s eyes was wild. His eyes a deep dark that Andrew feels as though he could drown in them. “Fuck, I could cum just by watching you,” He continues and maybe, there was some truth in those words. Steven looked absolutely breathtaking and Andrew didn’t even know how long he could hold out.

“Want you, want you, please, Andrew,” Steven begs as he reaches out for his husband.

“Not yet,” Andrew tells him and he lets his face be cupped by Steven’s hand, kissing his palm. He curls his fingers inside the silveret, making sure to hit at his prostate and Steven moans, his body squirming from the pleasure, and his cock leaking out more pre-cum.

“I’m ready, I’m ready, please,” There were tears in the corner of Steven’s eyes. “Andrew!”

Andrew growls, how could he resist when Steven was there in front of him,  _ begging _ for Andrew to take him?

He was only a man and temptation-  _ Steven _ is his weakness.

The blond takes his fingers out of Steven, the silveret whimpering at the loss. In a haste, Andrew grabs a hold of the bottle of lube from earlier, immediately pouring a large amount of lube on his dick. He had been patient  _ long enough _ and seeing Steven all wanton and pleading for him was  **_too much._ **

He lathers his dick with the lube, stroking once then, stopping for a moment as his whole body shivers and he quickly goes to cover the slit of his cock with his thumb.  _ ‘That was close,’ _ Andrew thinks internally,  _ ‘Too close,’ _ . He almost came with one stroke and  **_shit_ ** , would that have been not only embarrassing but also disappointing for both him and Steven. 

“Andrew!” He hears Steven gripe at him, making the blond look and  **_shit_ ** if that wasn’t the most  **_erotic sight_ ** in the entire world for Andrew. Steven with his legs spread, looking at Andrew expectantly with dark eyes, both of his hands at his thighs, looking as though he was holding and spreading them apart from Andrew.

_ ‘Fuck, there’s only so much a guy can take.’  _ Andrew muses, thinking that if he wasn’t already holding onto his cock to make him stop from cumming, then the image of Steven right here and now would’ve done it for him.

“Give me, fuck, give me a second,” Andrew tells him and he looks up for a moment, trying maybe counting, or thinking of other things like his cat Riceball so that he could look back down at Steven without creaming himself. He takes deep breaths, trying to calm himself and his libido down.

Another whine from Steven.

His husband is definitely going to be the death of him.

“Okay, okay,” Andrew tells him and he looks back at Steven, he still looked like the living definition of lust for Andrew, but fuck, the blond wasn’t anything but determined. He strokes his cock again, letting the lube coat him nicely before he positions himself in front of Steven, dick to the puckered entrance. “I’m going in, ready when you are, captain.”

“Oh my god,” He could see Steven roll his eyes at the comment, and Andrew chuckles. “You are so-” And before Steven could even finish his sentence, Andrew decides to push the head of his cock in the entrance. The silveret immediately shuts up, his eyes closing tight at the sudden intrusion. 

Andrew groans at the feeling, biting on his lower lip as the head of his cock fully penetrates into Steven. The silveret was tight and hot, he could feel Steven’s inside sucking him and Andrew had to stop again because  **_fuckkkkk._ ** Two years of only using his hands and now he’s getting to fuck!? Shit, a guy needs a moment here.

A moment almost feels like an eternity and it didn’t even occur to him that Steven hadn’t complained about him not moving. Andrew’s a little too preoccupied with not orgasming too soon. He starts to move again, pushing inside further, and this time, he hears Steven’s breath hitch, almost sounding pained.

Fuck, he forgot to ask Steven.

Andrew stills again, looking at his husband. “Okay?” 

Steven's eyes were closed shut, but Andrew could see a tear line on his cheek. Steven doesn’t look at him, only nods yes to answer. When Andrew still doesn’t move, Steven in a shaky voice tells him. “I’m good,”

The vocal permission makes Andrew feel better and he thrusts in again till half of his dick was inside Steven and he groans. The feeling is amazing and he continues to thrust in till he’s balls deep inside his husband, bottoming out on Steven. Andrew’s panting hard by the time he’s all in and he gazes at his husband. Steven’s shaking underneath him, tears spilling from his eyes as though he was in pain.

“Baby, baby,” Andrew calls out to Steven, his thumb wiping away the tears on his cheek. “Steven,” He says his name, so tenderly, so affectionately, Steven opens his eyes, he wraps his arms around Andrew and pulls his husband close to him. They kiss, slow, sweet, and languid, relishing in the moment of the two of them finally connected.

Andrew rests his arms in between Steven, elbows supporting him. Andrew kisses the pain away, kisses to take it all away, leaving only the distraction of their lips and the taste of each other. The blond moves his hips to rub them against Steven’s own, to get the silveret used to the length inside him. Andrew hears Steven sigh into the kiss, calming and gentle, like the pain slowly ebbing away from his mind and it makes the blond feel more confident. He kisses him more heatedly, with more passion, and with each loving kiss, he feels Steven arch up against him, wanting Andrew, wanting to feel him more and revel in the warmth that his body provided.

He starts to move, slowly, thrusting out and back again inside Steven. The silveret whimpers, but Andrew darts his tongue inside the silveret’s mouth and tastes him for all he’s worth. No matter how many times he kisses Steven, he never gets used to it, it’s like he’s kissing him again for the first time, wanting to know every crook and cranny there was, what makes Steven sigh, what makes him quiver for more. What makes Steven melt and weak in the knees.

Steven’s hands start to scratch at Andrew’s back, light at first, until the blond could feel his nails dig in deeper, holding onto Andrew for dear life. Andrew heaves again, picking up the pace as he pistons his cock in earnest, wanting to hit Steven’s sweet spot again. He could already feel the heat pooling in his stomach, he wasn’t going to last long. He’d been holding it out for too long now, he could feel himself cumming in just a couple of more thrusts.

Andrew could feel Steven’s dick, hard and throbbing between their stomachs. Steven moves his legs and wraps them around Andrew’s waist, ankles locking behind Andrew and pulling him closer. The blond starts to kiss down Steven’s neck, he takes in his husband’s scent, basking in everything that was Steven, his warmth, his scent, his everything. Andrew kisses him again, the place where he had put a hickey on Steven’s skin earlier, he sucks there again, wanting to mark and let the world know that Steven was his and he was Steven’s.

The silveret moans, pleased and sounding delighted, he starts to thrust back down into Andrew like earlier. Steven could feel his orgasms coming back to him again, the pain from earlier had ebbed away and it felt nice, it felt good. Having Andrew shower him with kisses, be so gentle and patient with him, it only made him burn with passion. He was so close,  _ they  _ were both close.

Andrew’s hand slides down to Steven, moving underneath the silveret’s body and making his husband shiver at the touch. Andrew wraps a hand around his husband, pulling Steven closer to him as he thrusts harder, pistons his cock at a different angle, his pace has gotten faster now. He kisses at Steven’s neck, licking and tasting the skin. One particular ram and Andrew was able to nudge at Steven’s sweet spot. The action was enough for Steven to cry out, pulling Andrew tighter and closer to him as he cums for a second time. His nails scratch red lines against Andrew’s back, marking the blond’s skin.

Steven tightens and Andrew bites at the junction between the silveret’s neck and shoulder, the pressure too much, his cock throbs, and Andrew stills, cumming and orgasming with Steven a few seconds later. Andrew holds his position, Steven in his arms, shuddering underneath him, holding tight, and Andrew closes his eyes at the bliss.

It all felt perfect.

He slumps down wearily on top of his husband’s spent body.

After finally coming down from his high, Andrew’s let’s go and kisses at the skin he bit. His tired body still resting lazily on top of his husband. He looks up at Steven, the silveret breathing in deeply, eyes half-lidded and looking sublime. Andrew’s heart warms at the sight. He kisses at the corner of Steven’s lips, peppering him with soft feather-light kisses and he could feel the silveret smile.

“I love you,” Andrew murmurs lovingly, keeping their bodies close and not moving an inch to pull away from his husband. Steven is already lax and weary in his arms, but there’s still enough strength in him to pull Andrew close.

Steven kisses him on the lips. “Love you,” The silveret answers back and all Andrew wants to do is stay with him in bed and cuddle with him all night long.

The blond hugs Steven again, never wanting to let go… But, he knows he should. 

“Need to clean up,” Andrew tells him in between kisses as he moves to pull away.

“No, later,” Steven requests, weakly holding tighter onto Andrew. “Want you,”

Andrew chortles at the request, delicately and affectionately rubbing the tip of his nose against Steven’s. “You’ll thank me later,” He replies back before letting go of Steven. The silveret whines and they both groan when Andrew pulls out. The blond watches for a moment, seeing his own cum leak out of Steven and yeah… He did that, Andrew feels a moment of pride swell within him.

That’s his cum inside Steven and he is  **_very fucking proud and happy_ ** about it.

Andrew stands up to go to the bathroom, cleaning himself up first before he gets a washcloth for Steven. He comes back to find his husband already on his phone, checking whatever the hell he usually checks on the internet.

“I go out for one minute and you’re already on your phone?” Andrew says with a laugh as he joins Steven at their bed again to clean him up.

“What did you want me to do? Stare at the ceiling with dry cum on and in me?” The silveret retorts as he tries to sit up to clean himself, but Andrew only swats his hand when Steven tries to take the washcloth. Let him spoil the silveret a bit more, he always loves indulging Steven in these kinds of thing… Or more like, indulging himself in spoiling Steven.

“See? Told you you’ll thank me.” Andrew tells him instead, ignoring the fact that Steven had said he was covered in cum and Andrew is really trying not to puff up his chest at that, too proud of it. 

“Yeah, but I still wanna cuddle,” Steven tells him as he looks up at Andrew. “And my legs still feel numb by the way.”

“We’ll cuddle after you’re clean,” Andrew leans down to kiss his husband. “And after we change the sheets.”

Steven groans. “So many things to do Drew!” He complains and Andrew laughs. “Can we eat first though?”

“Yeah, I can heat up dinner,” Andrew says as he finishes, he stands up again so he can clean the washcloth. “I’ll call the staff to get us new bedsheets.”

“I can do that,” Steven says as he sits up with wobbly legs, already moving on all fours to get to the phone on their bedside table.

“Ah, no,” Andrew calls out to the silveret, making Steven stop on his heel. “I’ll do it, just relax.”

Steven rolls his eyes at the other. “You don’t have to do everything Andrew, I can make one call.” He says before grabbing a hold of the phone and asking the hotel staff for clean sheets.

After the said call, Andrew helped Steven to a clean new shirt and boxer shorts. They now sat at the dining table in their room, Andrew preparing their re-heated dinner.

“Sausages? Really? Even in Greece Andrew?” Steven says as he chuckles. “Oh, you got Saganaki too!” He adds off excitedly.

“Easy on the cheese now,” Andrew warns him with a laugh. “Also got us tomato fritters and roast lamb actually.” He moves the plates closer to Steven. “More choices for you.” He says with a smile.

“Are we shooting another worth it video? I feel like we’re eating too much here.” The silveret jokes.

“This place would’ve been a nice location,” Andrew agrees as he takes a bite out of his Kofta, the so-called _ ‘sausages’ _ as Steven called them. Although, they kinda are anyways. “Greek food for our next season?”

“Hm, guess we better start researching then,” Steven says as he looks at Andrew.

“Once we get home yeah,” Andrew leans in and kisses his husband. “But, let’s enjoy our honeymoon first.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> How was it guys? Did you enjoy it? Hopefully ya did! I think it was a nice touch that they got married (I always write them as married first before having sex) then had a honeymoon in Greece. For realz, I had to research fucking romantic honeymoon spots like jfc, I don't even plan on getting married but these two made me feel like I was planning shit lmao
> 
> On another note, by the way, I was debating whether I should've used the church in the first chapter St. Peter or a different one. Since that one was very prominent and important to the story. But, I decided a different location would be better and to further explain for the non-Catholics, St Francis of Assisi is the patron saint of animals and ecology. Dude just loves nature in general so that was the theme of the Church in general. Also, this saint had some pretty wild-tragic romance in his life, in my opinion 👀
> 
> So like yeah, hope you guys enjoyed it!
> 
> Also... Ehehehe... So this is the end and I think I ended it well and...  
> Do you guys want one more? =w=

**Author's Note:**

> So, how was it? Hope you guys enjoyed! OwO


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